From the U.S.: I don’t know who I am, where I am going, or why I am here. I was raised in a strict christian family. I don’t believe in christianity, or religion. I do believe in a god however.
I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what. I feel different than everyone else I am around. Every relationship I have had has either been unenthusiastic and has failed because of my disinterest or has been all consuming and has burnt out with a horrible end.
I don’t believe people understand me. Half of the time when I try to explain my feelings people do not understand my thought process or where I come from. Often I feel as if my surroundings are not real, that I am not real, that nothing is real. Nothing is tangible.
I self harmed in high school some, which I find stupid and unhelpful now. I often make risky decisions ex: drive too fast on the wrong side of the road on a country road at night. I like to smoke and drink, but addiction has never been a problem what so ever. I crave human connection. Not just physical, but I crave someone who can understand who I am, my thoughts, where I come from. Being alone, is unimaginably painful. I wish i was better at being alone.
I feel like I am working toward nothing, that none of this matters because none of it is real. Nothing is real. We are all caught up in someone else’s dream. I have been to therapy for two separate things. First in high school, none of it helped. Second once last year in college. My friend passed and I thought it would help with the grief, I was wrong. They don’t understand… no one understands. Who am I?
I agree that something isn’t right. You are engaging in risky behavior and your feelings of unreality are making it difficult for you to function.
Although you have tried therapy twice, my best recommendation is that you try again. Sometimes it takes interviewing several therapists before finding the right “fit”.
Your letter is a thoughtful explanation of your concerns. You are asking deep and important philosophical questions. For that reason, I strongly suggest that you take your letter and this response to the first session you have with a therapist. It will give the therapist the information he or she needs to direct your therapy specifically to your concerns.
I wish you well.