Home Depression I Love My Girlfriend But I’m Losing Attraction

I Love My Girlfriend But I’m Losing Attraction

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the US: I love my girlfriend greatly and she treats me better than I feel any other girl could possibly do. I could see myself being with this girl for quite some time because of the way she treats me. We have been together for only ten months, but moved very quickly because we have known each other for years. She moved in with me after a couple months because she lived too far away. Everything went fine for a while, but I am starting to have second thoughts and it shames me to do so because she is such a wonderful woman.

I am 24 and going to college in the GI Bill. She is 22 and has no direction. I believe her lack of motivation is part of the problem. She works 50 hours a week at a job with no opportunity for advancement. She comes home and is angry and tired, so she usually just lays down and doesn’t want to do much. I feel this is also part of my loss of attraction.

Finally, sexually we were fine at first but I found myself losing attraction to her because she doesn’t have as big of a sex drive as me. Also, she never really comes onto me like she used to. It is either I have to “initiate” the contact or nothing happens. This has caused me to lose a lot of sexual attraction to her. I have talked to her about all this and realize that there are things I could change too, but when I vocalize myself she either gets defensive and it turns into a fight or she attempts step back and put more effort into the relationship but only does this for a short period.

I know this all seems like a long rant, but I am trying to summarize the best as possible. Basically, I love this woman more than anybody I have ever had these feelings for but my sexually attraction is dissipating and I am generally just left wanting more excitement (I don’t mean strictly sexually).

I have to wonder if your girlfriend is depressed. She moved in with you from far away. Does this mean she left her family and friendship circle behind? Now she is working at a dead-end job 50 hours a week. Meanwhile, you are supported by your GI grant, and you get to go to school everyday. You get to meet people, to hang out and pursue studies that interest you.

Your girlfriend doesn’t need your complaints about how she isn’t exciting. She needs your help to have a more exciting and rewarding life. I hope you can find a way to talk with her about how you can help her explore some career options that are more rewarding. If you did some part-time work to support the two of you, could she drop some of those hours? Are the two of you developing some friendships with other young couples? If not, do talk together about how you can find other couples who share your interests. Are you finding fun things to do on weekends to enrich your lives and to give her something to look forward to at the end of a long work week?

Wonderful people are hard to find. I hope you love her enough to put in the effort to support her emotionally and to work with her to create a happier lifestyle.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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