After puberty I went from being a outgoing and happy child to very moody and anti-social especially once I got closer to young adulthood.
I’ve gotten moodier and more aggressive. I had incidents where I actually considered hurting people or lashing out over small insignificant things a few of which I acted on in my younger years (smashing my mothers plants when she told me to water them while I was watching tv, hitting my pets for ‘annoying’ me, hitting myself when I was raging). I’ve learned not to act on them outside of digging my nails
I always feel guilty about the things I think of doing and then think about how horrible I am and become hysterical and upset with myself. I have moments where I’m convinced my mother hates me and is an awful person and it makes me furious with her, but again go through the same guilt cycle after it passes. The same thing happens when I feel wronged by other people as well. Intense hatred followed by doubt and guilt. The few people I stay mad at are unhealthy grudges I obsess over. There’s periods of intense depression where I feel empty and worthless and like everyone is better off without me. I withdraw into fantasies to relieve myself a lot. Then I feel perfectly normal and my other moods seem unreal.
I have some problems with stress drinking, spending money when I know I shouldn’t, and binge eating.
My self image has been shifting with my mood between great or seeing myself as ugly and worthless. My social life is non existent outside of two people and distant acquaintances because I see every small tick during conversations as a sign they’re annoyed with me or don’t like me when I meet new people and I’m afraid that’ll happen every time I try. The friends I do have I’m constantly afraid are mad at me or ignoring me if I go a day without hearing from them. Strangers frighten me because I’m concerned they’re planning to hurt me somehow.
BPD is the only thing I’ve found that fits what I’ve been going through, but I don’t want to make my parents spend money on an evaluations if this is all in my head. I’d really appreciate an opinion on if this is a possibility and if I should seek professional help.
I appreciate the courage in you asking this question. Since you have identified yourself as a freshman in college I would highly recommend you talk to the counselors at the University Center. Typically, the therapists that work at a university are very familiar with the signs and symptoms of wide variety of disorders. I think this would be helpful to not only identify this but begin to find ways to cope.
Wishing you patience and peace,