From the U.S.: I am 14 and I am in my first year of high school, so school is not very stressful for me at this time. I despise my parents very much and do not agree with them on anything morally. I don’t have any friends because I have been told that my personality is very hard to like. I have fake through and made some fake acquaintences in classes like science or p.e. in middle school I was bullied a lot and was called ugly, fat, and similar thing and have been told to kill myself almost every day in middle school. (Sorry for the kinda long background)
Now I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about suicide and homicide. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide is because of things like YouTube and Netflix (certain people do YouTube as a job and upload regular videos. I find them funny and find myself smiling only when I am online) for homicide I have thoughts about slitting throats until they are unrecognizable. Of course I haven’t done any acts like that yet. But now I think about killing others more and more. Sometimes when I’m bored and space out I will be thinking about just murder and find myself smiling.
Now, I am thinking about murder so much that when people just annoy me I automatically think “ugh I would so slit their throat.” And I would just brush it off very casually later. So basically I am in need for an online therapy site. I want to get help before I end up hurting someone. I have looked but all of them say something like “this is not a site for suicidal/homicidal thoughts.” And it needs to be a free site too because (as stated before) I’m only 14 so I don’t have job or credit card. I can’t find any free therapy site to suit my needs so please help me find one.
Please also note that I am in control of these urges right now and I can easily stop myself. However, I’m not sure I’ll be able to control myself forever so I want to find help before I snap one day and hurt someone. Thanks for reading!
Thank you very much for writing. You do need help. Although it makes a kind of sense that you want to get even with the people who have hurt you, fantasizing killing people isn’t at all helpful to your state of mind or anyone’s safety. As a matter of fact, research has shown that the more people think about such things, the more the thoughts happen. Instead of thinking about revenge, you need help learning how to get along with others and how to manage it when people aren’t kind.
A place to start is the Boys Town National Hotline (1-800-448-3000). According to their website, the hotline has helped more than 8 million teens, parents and families over the last 20 years. The Hotline is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and staffed by specially trained Boys Town counselors. There is no charge for talking with them.
I hope you will also ask your parents to help you find a local counselor. You need to learn how to relate to people. That won’t happen if the only contact you have is online because so much of human communication is non-verbal. Talk to your school counselor if you need help identifying local resources for free services for teens.
I wish you well.