Iv lost my girlfriend, my best friend, almost all of my other friends that I recently graduated with. I close up and sit in my room when I’m not working. I don’t even know how to meet new people anymore. I don’t even know where to start on finding a new girlfriend. Mainly cause I don’t want to but I feel like it needs to be done bc I feel I’m holding her back and she even says I am. I was only sober 2 months before I fell into a drug that helps me even know I know its not truly helping. Dxm is the drug. I take it because I can lucid dream memories that I enjoy. Like memories of me and my ex and times in the phsyc hospital I was in three times because I felt safe there. I take it daily so I can see her face(even while we were together cause we just started to fall atpart the last 3or4 months.), be safe in the hospital environment, and fix things iv screwed up in the past. The bad thing is it makes my psychosis worse. Iv already attempted suicid twice, but the first time my friend stopped me before I took all the pills and the second time my ex from above called me as I had the gun in my mouth, and I felt it was a sign that I had to stay alive for her. She doesn’t even know she did this cause iv never told her so I wouldn’t scare her. All I think about everyday is what do I have to live for. I race motocross and I’m very very good. I want to get my pro licence but I don’t even have the drive to do it. All I want is my life to end and most days I feel like if I don’t do it myself my life will just get worse. If that’s possible. I won’t kill myself. Iv made that promise to to many important people in my life and people that are not in my life anymore. I just need help from someone. Anyone.
The person you most need help from right now is yourself. It sounds like there are many people in your life, both personal and professional, who have tried to be supportive. But your fear of taking hold of life seems to be bigger than your desire for friends, love, or success on the motocross course. I don’t know what scared you so much but I do know that Dmx isn’t the answer even though it can make you feel better and even make daydreams feel very real. But at some point, you come down and there you are – in exactly the same place you were when you “left.” I think you deserve better than temporary fantasies.
A guy who can be a motocross rider already knows how to meet challenges, deal with the unexpected, go around obstacles, and learn from mistakes. Use the skills and courage you’ve learned on the course to take you forward. However much you’ve “screwed up,” you are far too young to sideline yourself. Get back on the bike called life and ride.
If you need another hospitalization to give yourself a fresh start, there’s no shame in that. Get off the drug. It’s not helping you. Get out of your room. You’re not going to meet anybody in there. And start taking the steps you need to take to make something real – like studying for your pro license. I’m assuming you have a therapist. If you don’t – get one and accept some coaching. It will be hard to make changes but you’ve already shown you’ve got what it takes to control self-destructive impulses and to keep commitments. Build on that.
I wish you well.