From a teen in the U.S. Ever since I started 9th grade at high school, I’ve been feeling very strange. For an example, I would come home from school and realize I left something there. I would then have a huge mental and physical breakdown and I would get strong urges to kill myself. Then I would sit back and cry for hours but not over the thing that I left. I would cry because of all the emotions hitting me all at once.
I would cry really hard but I wouldn’t necessarily feel anything. Not sadness. Not happiness. Not anything. I would just sit back and cry until the tears stopped on their own. But even on days when i’m not crying, I feel like I just need to scream really hard and loud into a pillow until all my breath is gone. I feel tight in my stomach and I always feel unsafe; as if something or someone is right behind me. Other days when I’m out with my friends, I feel normal and happy, as if nothing was wrong to begin with. Then I go home by myself and I feel awful all over again.
I didn’t tell my parents because I don’t think they would believe me. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I feel like I need help. I don’t know what I need help from, but I definitely need help. At first I thought it was depression but I don’t feel sad. I just feel like killing myself. I don’t feel anything when I get like that. Once I stop crying I just go back to my original mood. I’m starting to get worried because every time i’m putting away dishes, I hold the knives a bit longer than usual. I don’t know why but it’s bothering me.
Thank you for writing. At 15, it is too much to expect of yourself to handle the intensity of such feelings on your own. Feeling like you want to kill yourself is not something to ever take lightly.
The first stop should be with your doctor. These symptoms started with the onset of puberty. It may be that the problem is hormonal.
If you are medically fine, then I do suggest an evaluation by a mental health counselor.
Early diagnosis and early treatment is always a good idea. Otherwise, you will be dealing with both the original problem and the stress build up that has come from trying to manage it on your own.
Please show my response to your letter to your folks. Whether or not they believe you, the conservative thing to do is make those appointments. They have nothing to lose except a copayment or two. That’s much much better than losing the child they love because something serious went untreated.
I wish you well.