I am unmotivated and I feel lazy all the time. I procrastinate all my school work and I have no sense of time management of all. I daydream all the time about the far future. I can be very social sometimes, but over the past two years I have become extremely detached. I do well in social situations, I just choose not to engage in them. I lie all the time, sometimes for no good reason. I have a father who was physically abusive to my mom and sister and I hate him for it but it doesn’t really bother me anymore since he lives in another country. I don’t feel sympathy when bad things happen to my friends. I’m fairly certain that if one of my closest friends died I wouldn’t feel bad at all. I often harbor violent thoughts when it comes to people I hate, such as my father’s mistress. Also, I’ve never wanted to get married. A lot of my friends dream about the day they would get married and their future husbands and kids, but for some reason it’s never appealed to me at all. The notion of sex and any form of intimate relationship does not interest me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I’ve had this feeling for a long time now, I just never reached out to ask anyone because I was scared. Am I depressed? Are the issues that I have able to be resolved, or am I just “wired”wrong? I’m really starting to hate myself because my personality just has so many flaws. I don’t think I’m a good person.
It is possible that you are experiencing depression. The things that used to interest you don’t anymore. You are very hard on yourself. Your feelings could be the result of your having witnessed violence and chaos in your home. Your father’s abuse led to the breakup of your family. You’re attempting to “find yourself” in the context of a chaotic home life.
I don’t think you are “wired differently.” You are likely reacting to what you have lived through with your family. Witnessing violence takes an emotional toll. Research has shown that children who witness violence experience psychological and emotional problems including feelings of hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal and depression; all symptoms you have described.
Many people have difficult childhood experiences. Sometimes they internalize those negative experiences and begin to believe bad things about themselves. These negative thoughts can lead to depression and misery. That might be what has happened to you. It is possible that had you not experienced what you have, you would not feel the way you do. Therapy can help to heal the problems that may have resulted from a difficult family life.
You’re frightened to ask for help but you shouldn’t be. Mental health professionals want to help you. They are empathic listeners who offer evidence-based, nonjudgmental advice. Therapy is a safe place to share your feelings and to receive constructive and supportive feedback that will improve your life. I hope that you will consider it. It would be a great asset to your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle