Home Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) I Want to Kill but My Problem Seems Different than Others

I Want to Kill but My Problem Seems Different than Others

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have searched the site as you recommend and I haven’t found anything like this. First off I haven’t killed anyone yet because I’m not stupid. I want to kill and not just people who have slighted me (even thought the worms deserve it) I mean people in general and I’ve been planning how, when, where and everything else you can think of, I want to feel a persons blood on me and watch them die, I know this is not normal. To add to this I really don’t care about people, I have friends but I fake all emotion they may perceive, I have had relationships with the opposite sex but it always ends because faking is tiring and after a few months of it I have to stop. Also, sometimes I can’t tell if I am dreaming or not and I have killed in my dreams but I made sure every time that it was not real. A few months ago I was sure that two demons were living in my head and telling me commands from some dark omnipotent presence that wanted souls and I was an “agent”. I convinced myself that this was all fake but sometimes I still see dark things moving just out of sight. They still whisper to me but not with the same fervor as before. I’m also pretty sure that I am a narcissist, I’m pretty awesome. Also, I feel like no one else gets me, I can’t share with people what I think,I can hint at it but it just gets dismissed. I am a pretty popular guy and all the kids who I suspect feel the same way are weird and the facade they put up to mask the inner demons is weak. I am worried no one will take me seriously. (too many people fake for attention) Also, at random times I will become terrified that someone or something I can’t see is trying to kill me and then it will subside after a little bit. I could go on about more things but these don’t concern me enough to mention. I want to kill but not go to jail and my only way out seems to get help or not get caught, the latter seems riskier. I want to see a therapist or psychiatrist but I’m afraid to tell my parents why. My life is perfect, I have never been abused in any way and only have 2 of the killers triad. (I stopped bed wetting at a normal age) On the sanity quiz I scored a 75 (making me think I am a hypochondriac) but I had 5 serious concerns being: Schizophrenia,Mania & Bipolar Disorder,Alcohol/Drug Issues, Technology Issues, Obsessions & Compulsions (OCD runs in my family and I thought these don’t bother me enough to warrant professional help) Is this normal and nobody talks about it or should I seek help? How should I tell my mom? (she is seeing a therapist for manic depression if that pertains to my question) Please take me seriously, I’m not trying to think of some crazy question to ask to “troll” you wonderful people, I am being serious and I hope you think I am too. Thank you for performing this service.

Your desire to want to kill people is not normal or healthy. It is a sign that something may be wrong. It is also a sign that you should seek help immediately.

You described several symptoms that are concerning and potentially indicative of a mental illness. These symptoms include: the fact that you cannot tell if you are dreaming or not, believing that there are two demons giving you commands and your belief that you are their “agent.” Those may be signs of a break with reality.

To answer your questions directly, it is abnormal to want to kill people and to be experiencing symptoms that may be consistent with a break with reality.

Yes, you should speak to your parents about your symptoms. Request that they have you evaluated by a mental health professional. If your parents do not take your request seriously, I would recommend having them read my response to your questions. It is imperative that you seek help immediately for these issues. If you are experiencing a break with reality or are on the verge of a break with reality, there are treatments available that can prevent such an occurrence. One should always attempt to prevent a psychotic episode when possible.

I only have a very limited amount of information and thus cannot determine with any certainty whether you have a mental illness. That is why it is imperative that you receive an in-person, psychological evaluation to determine what if anything may be wrong.

I hope that you are able to receive the help that you deserve. Do not ignore your symptoms and ask for help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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