Okay, so I have been having an issue where I have the strong urge to kill people. I haven’t had any bad relationships with family or other people. I just want to kill people for the fun of it. One of my most recent episodes of a very strong urge to kill was actually a few hours before I started to write this. I was in the kitchen helping my mother cook dinner. Then, all of a sudden I got this very strong urge to kill everybody in my house. I felt like I was about to do it. Like half of my brain was almost programming itself to kill, and that feeling felt so good that I started to shake and get goosebumps all over my body. On the other hand, my right side of my brain felt like it was saying ‘what are you doing? Stop it NOW!’ Then before I knew it, my hand was almost about to reach out for the knife, but I stopped myself luckily. This kind of thing has happened to me before, and I was very confused about this. Confused and scared. I didn’t know what to do. The only person that I’ve ever told about this was my friend. I needed to get it off of my chest and she was there for me. Also, I don’t feel anything towards other people. I’ve actually dreamt and imagined so many times of killing them with my own hands. I don’t really care for other people at all. I have one friend, and she is my best friend in the whole world. We are inseparable. I also love the feeling of a knife in my hands…. The cool blade running against my tongue as I act out licking my victim’s blood. The handle; black and hard, yet also cool to the touch as it warms in my hand. It’s almost like a fetish to me, and I have to admit, I’ve always been interested in BDSM. It sounded so pleasurable to me. Also to add onto all of this mess, I have always been interested in the Holocaust. I love the way that the Nazis and SS soldiers killed the Jews. I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM WITH THEIR BELIEFS. I agree that the Jews were innocent people that didn’t deserve anything like that. It’s just that things like the gas chambers, shooting people in the back of the neck, etc. has interested my for as long as I’ve known about the Holocaust. Let me also say that I don’t think anybody will understand me, they will probably just say that I’ve just been going through a phase or it’s a result of having a fetish towards BDSM, but I know it’s not that. These urges get very strong, and when it’s so strong that I almost kill my whole family, I am positive that it’s not a phase or my fetish. It’s something serious, and I have come to realize this. I am very concerned not only for myself but for the people around me. I don’t want anybody getting hurt. While on the other hand, I really want to hurt so many innocent people. Like the Holocaust. Let me also say this; I am a 14 year old girl, who gets straight As in school. I’m not popular or anything, I don’t want to be. I have only 2 or 3 close friends at school, but I only really like 1. She’s my best friend that I could ever have, and I really love her like a sister. I really need someone like this in my life. She helps me gets through tough times, and I’ll help her through anything. Also, is like to say that I am so scared to tell my parents. I don’t want to break their hearts. I don’t know how to bring it up or anything. The friend that I have told this to said that she would help me, but all I said was thank you, and that I could handle it myself, but I lied. I couldn’t tell her the truth. I know that I got her into this by telling her, and I was happy to hear the concern in her voice, but I didn’t want her to go in a downward spiral all because I had told her this. So I started to distance myself away from her little by little. I don’t want to be hurt her. I don’t want her to feel guilty if this gets out of hand. I just want her to be happy, and as far away from me as I could. I know that she is starting to notice, and I know that she is being hurt by this, but I’m so scared. I’m afraid that one day it’ll go too far, and if end up killing somebody that I find very dear to me. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. I know I need help, but I’m afraid to tell my parents. In fear of losing them. In dear if them fearing that they are losing their daughter to this madness going on inside if my head. It’s driving me crazy and I want it to stop. Please just help me. I’m begging you with all of my might. Help me before I do anything stupid and am put in death row for torturing somebody or a genocide. Please I’m begging you with all my strength and all of my might. HELP ME. I’d like to end this description with a thank you, and also a please try to help, as I am concerned for not only myself, but for the people around me.
Having aggressive feelings is not an uncommon phenomenon. Some studies have shown that the majority of people have had at least one homicidal thought over the course of their lives. These thoughts were elicited when an individual felt powerless, threatened or frustrated with their life circumstances.
Despite your fears, it is imperative that you talk to your parents about how you have been feeling. It may not be easy, but you should try. If you think having a face-to-face discussion with them would be too difficult, then write them a letter. They can only help if you make them aware of this situation. If you refuse to tell them, they’ll have no opportunity to help you and thus this problem continues.
It’s important that you proactively address this issue. The well-being of others may be at stake. As you noted, your life may be in jeopardy as well. If you were to follow your fantasies, you risk spending your life in prison. Being incarcerated would be an awful way to live. In the abstract, it’s difficult to appreciate just how horrendous losing your freedom would be. I can assure you, you would regret your actions.
Murder is a sin. Every religion considers it as such. It is an act of evil. It destroys lives. You should be doing everything within your power to avoid engaging in acts of evil. In this case, the first step to preventing the harm of others is to ask for help from your parents.
I worked with many teens who have felt similar feelings. They’re scared to tell anyone about how they feel. They’re often embarrassed. They realized, with therapy, that their feelings were misguided and that there were solutions to their problems. You can expect similar successful and positive results if you were to enter therapy.
I hope that my response helps you to recognize the importance of proactively seeking help. If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call 911 or go to the hospital immediately. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle