For the quick rundown on everything I have a history of self harm I have been told that I am delusional when it comes to remembering events and conversations that took place within minutes of it happening I get frustrated and have random outburst due to it and do things I don’t mean to do like smash my head off the wall behind me with no explanation as to why I did I just kind of happened I have been diagnosed with bipolar depression severe anxiety and stress levels borderline schizophrenia and plausible brain damage to the right side of my brain haven’t gotten that confirmed because I don’t want to know if it’s true I feel lost and like everything is spiraling out of control and I have no idea who I am what is real and what my mind just makes up anymore and am afraid of what I could be or do and I don’t like the person I have seem to become from all this I feel irrational and crazy on a daily basis and break down about as often as when I was a kid and just don’t know what to do with myself or how to act half the time and apparently ignore everything and everyone who is around me at times and just zone out of everything I find large pieces of days I can’t remember and I am getting tired of life and fighting my own mind everyday and trying to tell the difference from reality and fantasy what is true from what I believe to be true and have no idea what to do anymore my thoughts are scattered and even as I reread this I can see that i feel hopeless alone lost and confused and don’t want t feel this way everyday but don’t have the ability or motivation to seek help and to go to psych all the time I hate talking about how I feel and what I think my issues are because I don’t know I can’t tell one feeling from the next because it all ties back to frustration or aggravation it seems that’s all I feel
I understand your frustration and aggravation but your symptoms are treatable. It’s inaccurate to believe that you “should” be able to treat your own symptoms. Mental health professionals receive specialized training to treat these symptoms. There are medications and other treatments that can help you to feel better.
You mentioned not wanting to “go to psych all the time.” That would likely not be necessary. A treatment plan can be developed that meets your needs and fits your schedule. There are many options but one of them should not be avoiding treatment altogether. That would be a mistake.
You might try contacting your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional. Another method of finding good treatment providers involves contacting your insurance company. They can provide additional information about resources in your community. Perhaps a friend or a family member knows a provider who could help. Realize that you can be helped. You shouldn’t accept suffering if treatment is available. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle