I’d recently been surfing on this site when I came across a disorder called, “Dissociation Disorder”. I know that I am young and I take that into consideration. (13 in a few days–also, I have dyslexia, so I might misspell some words) I don’t know whether it’s just me being extremely forgetful or this. I think maybe it’s the fact I tend to get lost in thought about my problems, like it says on the article, causing me to have gaps in my memory. I constantly think about my problems and sometimes my heart goes wild and my guts twist crazy when I think about it and I can get angry. I sometimes brood over certain problems constantly, pushing me deep into thought.
But I really don’t think that’s it. I have huge gaps in my memory. I can barely remember yesterday. Or the day before. I wonder if it’s just me being forgetful or I’m just brooding over this as well.
The main things I usually think about is past conversations I’ve had with my girlfriend. “Us” talks. I try to be mindful of her problems and life but usually just get too sucked up into my own and not noticing when she’s sad or mad. She is Bi-polar and has recently stopped cutting. We haven’t gotten to talk lately because of it being summer so I have nothing else to think about BUT this stuff. So, what has been bothering me is the fact that she’s called me inconsiderate and I can’t stop thinking about it. Another time she’d told me she can’t trust me when I tell her that I’m okay because I’ve lied about being okay before. I hide my emotions as best as I can. I just want people to see me as strong, and happy. These two things she’s told me, I cannot stop thinking about. It’s gotten to the point I feel like she doesn’t want me anymore, I’m useless and un-trustworthy, etc. Usually work/games takes these things off my mind.
Also, I’m ADHD, I have to constantly move even when I’m playing games. I get extremely guilty when I eat. I’ve even, at one point just avoided food all together. My friend had me start eating again and since it’s summer, I have nothing to do, I’ve been eating more than ever. My self-esteem is at an all-time-low and I’m starting to consider not eating again. It’s not even because of my partner, it’s because I want to please ‘myself’. I hear myself, but it refers to me as ‘you’. This confuses me to why it would refer to me as someone else. I’m average weight but every time I look in my damned mirror, I think I look pretty but I need to get just a tiny bit more skinny and when I do, I want to even more and it’s really scaring me.
Well anyways, I’ve just explained practically everything going on and I really don’t know how I’ll put this in ONE category. If you really do end up answering, I wish to give you a big thank you.
So, Thank You.
First let me say that I am very glad you wrote us, and that you are reflecting on the things that concern you. That is quite advanced for someone your age. I applaud you.
While there are many possibilities, I can’t give you clear feedback about a dissociative disorder. But I can encourage you to talk to your school counselor and your parents about seeing a professional therapist. Also a trained psychologist may be able to do some testing to help sort through the different conditions you speak of. My encouragement is to start with home and school, and find someone in your area you can talk to so you can get some more definitive answers.
Wishing you patience and peace,