I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’ve been through some stuff, for starters I am an immigrant in the U.S. I’ve been made fun of because of that a lot. I now lie about my origins; I don’t accept the fact that I am not American in front of anyone but my own family. I am basically embarrassed of who I am and I hate myself for that, I mean I should be proud, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a very nice home either, I don’t have a lot of things that I wish I did. I live with my aunt and my cousins, my parents live in Mexico, I see them once a week for a couple of hours. My aunt and uncle constantly fight and so do my cousins, it’s gotten to the point of physical violence and I don’t know what to do sometimes. I lock myself in my room and try to avoid them and everything now. I have secluded myself from my family but for some reason I don’t mind it. I am afraid because I like being alone and I don’t think that’s normal. Being alone makes me feel calm but at the same time I feel lonely, I have a lot of trouble communicating with people. I feel like a fool every time I talk to someone new so I just stick with my old friends, but it seems like now they don’t want to talk to me, or maybe I’m just too boring? Maybe I just have to change myself. Though I have tried, I have tried being nicer but I feel like a hypocrite because it’s not genuine…I tend to judge a lot too, in my head I analyze everything. Every little detail of every person and I always finds something bad, I hate it! Why can’t I just be like the other people, free and careless? I’m very self-conscious. I think sometimes I care too much of what other people think, I tend to make people’s likes and dislikes my own just to agree with them. Why can’t I ever express myself properly? I was never like this, when I was little I was very outgoing and everything was so wonderful. I think I changed a lot when I started living with my cousins. For some reason I have this weird flashback from when I was smaller. I was sleeping with my brother and my two cousins, I was in the middle of the bed and all of a sudden I woke up, and my cousin was touching me…then he looked me in the eye and said what? And I didn’t say anything. I just turned the other way and went back to sleep. I don’t know for sure if this really happened but I could swear it did. Everything is so clear in my head and it disgusts me that for some twisted reason I didn’t mind it. Why didn’t I say anything? My brother was right next to me! I’m so disgusting. I am currently unsure of what I want, and I guess that’s perfectly normal for a teenager but it bothers me so much and I stress over so many things and I just wish I could stop caring so much like everyone else. Why can’t I just have a normal family and a normal house? I wish my mom was here, I miss her so much and I miss the way my dad and I were. My dad and I were so close until I found out he had another family, though I guess I always knew but I never took it seriously until I was a little older, at first I thought sharing my daddy was ok. Then I realized he’s wrong and so is my mom for allowing it. Now his other wife has cancer, he is no longer the same and the only time I see him, he ignores me and I have learned to ignore him as well. I hate it though… I miss his old self and my old self and I just need someone to tell me how to change. I just want to be sure because I don’t remember when was the last time I was completely sure about anything.
I appreciate you writing us here at Psych Central and hope I can offer some thoughts on helping you. Since you are still in high school I think you want to start with the resources there. The important thing now is for you to have an adult who understands the transitions and issues you are going through – and the best place to start is with your school guidance counselor. He or she has training in helping students with exactly the kind of issues you are bringing forward. Talk to them as soon as you can about your concerns and they should be able to help.
Wishing you patience and peace,