I have just turned 11 years old and my dad can be pretty weird at times. He isn’t mean or anything and I love him but I’m scared of him. He often threatens to beat me and calls me words such as useless, and worthless and that I should be ashamed of myself over small things like forgetting something he told me a week ago. He screams and yells and (Both of my brothers are Autistic nonverbal 13 and 9) tells me I should be put on drugs, not my brothers (As my younger brother, 9, is extremely hyper and doctors have told us that we should probably put him on meds to help him) and I cry and bawl my eyes out. I had slit my wrists when I was 9 and had already been struggling with my mental health before that and I’d be happy and upbeat then gloomy and fatigue. But I, of course, would put on a smile to not concern anyone. As I was saying before he threatens to hit me and beat me, which has caused me to get paranoid and run off to my room in a manic outburst and grab a spray and torch planning on hurting him badly and running away with my brothers while sobbing my heart out. He has never done anything to my brothers which is all that matters, I just can’t leave them or they’d run away themselves and hurt themselves as they are on the lowest part of the spectrum. I can’t talk to anyone I don’t know without crying, I flinch at everything, I’m a crybaby and overdramatic and I’m a toxic bitch, I’m a terrible person and as my dad has been telling me for years, I need to go to a mental hospital or better yet just die. He is the kindest person I have ever met and I’m honestly just a manipulative ass. I’m so sorry for wasting your time I just really can’t do this anymore. Every days another fight and he doesn’t deserve that, and I can’t even go to school and hurt myself in the bathroom stall because of the coronavirus. I deserve pain, not death, I don’t deserve it because I need to suffer. Sorry to anyone wasting their time reading this. (From New Zealand.)
Reading your email was anything but a waste of time! I believe everything you are telling me, and I am so very glad you took the time to write to us here at Psych Central. It took a great deal of courage for you to talk about your fear and your pain and your confusion in having to deal with your father while trying to be there for your brothers. I am worried that you do not have someone to talk to and hear you. Someone who is nearby and can learn more about what is happening and what can be done to help you.
I notice that you haven’t mentioned your mother, or any other adult for that matter. It sounds like it is just you, your brothers and your dad living in your home, is that right? This means that your father may not have the usual experience of another adult monitoring him as he is trying to parent you and your brothers. It is not okay for him to threaten to beat you, call you useless, worthless, and to be ashamed of yourself. He should be doing better as a parent that screaming and yelling at you, and not attending to the fact that you’ve tried to cut yourself. You are not a toxic bitch, nor deserve pain. You need someone who understands and sees you for who you are — not someone they can bully because they aren’t okay.
My guess is that you are having online classes, yes? Send a private chat to your favorite teacher and ask if you could talk to him or her privately. Let them know you need some help in dealing with the bad feelings that are happening while you are staying at home. They will help you have someone to talk to, which is very important right now.
The part of you that has reached out here to Psych Central is the part of you that knows something better is possible. I will encourage you to talk to your teacher as a first step.
Wishing you patience and peace,