From the U.S: I have met someone special on a dating website, namely OkCupid, and we have entered a serious and temporarily long distance relationship as boyfriends. After a while, I deactivated my profile, but my boyfriend still keeps it and visits it every once in a while. When I ask, he says it is for finding new friends. I don’t like him being there. I feel extremely jealous and find it inappropriate. I have asked him to delete his profile but he says he doesn’t want to feel controlled by me.
Background info: I used to check his profile every once in a while to see whether he was active there. I used to think I didn’t have the right to ask him to close it because we are in a long distance relationship and have not met in person yet. Currently I am living outside America and he lives in the US. I will most probably be physically with him a year from now.
We have been together for 14 months now. We consider ourselves boyfriends and we have stayed faithful to each other. He swears he is using the profile to find new friends but then I saw he has uploaded a shirtless pic and some other pics that he had taken only for me.
I don’t feel comfortable. I am extremely jealous and this had caused a big issue. I don’t control or stalk him. I used to check when he was last online on Facebook whenever he didn’t reply but I made a promise I wouldn’t do that anymore and I kept it. The only thing I continued doing was checking his OkCupid profile.
I trust him but I also know that we are humans and sometimes some things may happen. Maybe he will meet a charming guy who will approach him as a friend but later things will get more serious between them.
I don’t want him to go the website but he is being stubborn. I feel terrible. This may cause a break-up that I don’t want it. Please tell me what to do. He thinks it is normal to be on the website but as a therapist, please reply me so I can send him your reply. Isn’t it damaging to keep using his profile considering it is a dating website full of guys looking for a relationship?
You have a right to be nervous about whether this relationship will last. You and your boyfriend have very different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship. If you don’t settle your disagreement about what is and isn’t okay, the two of you will be constantly struggling with each other and monitoring each other.
The primary “rules” for any relationship is what the two people involved decide should be the “rules.” Negotiating that agreement is part of what moves a relationship forward. You and your boyfriend haven’t done that important piece of relationship work.
It’s not for me to say how your relationship should be. As a therapist, I can tell you that it is important that the two of you work through your disagreement to something you are both comfortable honoring. The process will not only solve this problem but will set a standard for how you will manage other disagreements that come along.
I wish you well.