I’ve thought of ways to kill everyone I know and don’t know. Normally, I would want to murder with a purpose. For example, all the kids who bullied me and beat me up in school. Lately, I have the urge to murder others that have done nothing to me (like my family) and people I randomly see (strangers on the street). I just see them as the first human beings to practice on. I have killed two cats before, they were my neighbor’s. Her cats went missing a week before she moved out and she and her son look everywhere for them. Little did she know, they were in her tool shed, rotting. I feel like those small creatures aren’t enough for me. I have been wanting to grab the kitchen knives and slit my parent’s and sister’s throats in their sleep. It would be so easy to do. The voices in my head whisper to me and yell at me to do it because they know I can and would. I want to poison them and hurt them. I want all the power. They need to be powerless in order for me to succeed in life. Everyone must have less power than me. My hallucinations are violent and murderous. My voices are the same. If I don’t kill others, the voices will kill me and I don’t want to die. I used to want to die, but I’ve moved on from that. They all deserve to die more than I do, the humans. All humans are monsters and all monsters are human. I am the most human out of anyone I know. They are all monsters and deserve to die. I often have visions of myself hitting people with cars, pushing them in the way of a train, choking them, buying guns to shoot them, carving my name into their flesh with a knife, drowning them, and burning them to death. Is this normal for someone my age (13) to feel like this? Someone said I should be locked up in the mental home. If I were to go there, how would I tell my parents I need to leave?
It’s normal for teenagers to have fantasies about power and domination. That’s because their lives are ruled by adults. They virtually have no power. However, it is not the norm to have violent fantasies. Also concerning is the fact that you killed two cats. Most people would never hurt an animal on purpose. Cruelty to animals is a worrisome indication that something may be wrong.
You mentioned that you hear voices and hallucinate. The symptoms indicate a possible mental illness. Evaluation by a mental health professional, in-person, is necessary. Your behaviors may be driven by an underlying mental illness which might explain the way you feel.
Ask your parents to take you to a mental health professional. You don’t necessarily have to tell them every detail provided in this letter but tell them enough so they take you seriously.
Hospitalizations typically don’t last long. The goal is stabilization and to connect patients with the appropriate outpatient services.
Once you begin treatment, you will likely stop having violent fantasies and desires to hurt people or animals. Your symptoms are highly treatable but only if you ask for help.
If you cannot control your behavior or are at risk of harming yourself or someone else, then temporary hospitalization may be necessary. Contact the authorities or go to the hospital. They will protect you and treat your symptoms. The bottom line is that mental health treatment could help you immensely and I highly recommend it. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle