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Lack of Trust

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for about a year and a half now. We have had a good healthy relationship and we are both good to each other. One day I was seeing what he was up to and I caught him talking to this other girl from Xbox live. He said they had just met and that it was a coincidence. The girl however told me that they had been talking for 6 months and had even talked and texted through the phone. When I confronted my boyfriend about this he denied all of it and said that she was lying. So I believed him instead of that girl, and now I’m always having this feeling like he’s doing something behind my back like I have to constantly know what he is doing just to be sure he isn’t talking to another girl. I’m constantly texting calling joining his Xbox live chats talking to everyone on his friends list and even getting on his account and blocking every girl that is friends with him. I had never been like this before. I love him to death and I can’t imagine life without him. I know I am young and all but he has helped me through some of the worst times of my life..is there any possible way to regain that trust? I don’t want to lose this relationship.

I can imagine it’s very difficult to feel this mistrust with your boyfriend, particularly after you’ve felt so close.

To try to police his every action will be draining. Once you do not trust the person you love, it starts consuming your time and energy. Every moment invested in checking up on them ends up increasing your sense of insecurity. It may be more productive for you to keep talking to him directly about what you need — and to keep asking him what he needs. You are a young couple and learning how to discuss ways to help, rather than hurt each other, is an important skill to develop.

True intimacy involves couples being able to be mutually vulnerable. I encourage you to find ways to work with your boyfriend, not run yourself ragged checking up on him.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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