As you can read from the title, I like causing others emotional pain. Especially boys. I like stringing them along, making them think I like or love them, just to completely stop talking to them, or just to tell them that I don’t. Everytime I meet a guy I just think about If I could play with them the way I wanted to. To have them on their knees for me. As you can also tell by the title, I like receiving physical pain. I think it’s totally great when someone pucnhes me in the face, or just leaves bruises. I especially like the pain the day after. when the bruise is visable, and you don’t feel the direct pain anymore and just that faint pain, that you can still feel that you’ve been hit. It’s nice to me. But i don’t have a kink. neither am I into BDSM. I personally think BDSM is disgusting, and I would never, ever try it. I don’t like pain when it comes to sex. BDSM is a big no to me. And I want to make that clear because alot of people tell me, my liking to pain is a kink. I think about a year ago I was diagnosed with depression. I had therapy. I am not depressed anymore, I am empty. I don’t have any feelings other than anger. I also feel very annoyed and bored all the time. And my family now thinks I’m insane. So I want to know, which personality disorder I might have? if I have one?
Diagnoses are best determined by having an in-person evaluation, by a mental health professional. It’s something you should consider, especially because of your anger. Occasional anger is normal but constant anger is not.
You also expressed a desire to control and or harm others. These types of fantasies can arise when people lack power and control over their own lives. Feeling helpless often breeds fantasies of power and dominance.
If I were interviewing you, I would want to know about what has happened in your life that has led to your feelings and fantasies. Has there been trauma and abuse?
Your desire to hurt others or to be harmed is unusual and is probably linked to your anger. When these feelings arise, you should not indulge them. Nothing good can come from your harming people or your attempting to be harmed by others.
You mentioned a diagnosis of depression which means that you have interacted with mental health professionals. If you’re not already in counseling, you should try it. It would help you to understand your feelings but more importantly, how to overcome them and improve the quality of your life. Angry people are not happy people. Therefore changes are necessary; help is necessary.
All of these issues can be addressed in counseling. Ask your parents to assist you in seeking professional help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle