I’m not sure but I think i might have Multiple Personality Disorder (DID). I was never diagnosed with it, despite being with a therapist for many years, however I don’t know what else it could possibly be.
I have many different sides, my youngest would be around 6, the age I was sexually abused, and the reason I was in therapy. She’s everything I wish I could be, she is my innocence, my purity, she’s also childlike and girly, and kind to everyone. I even created an online life where i can just be her.
My other personality’s aren’t as obvious to me as that one however. I know that my main, or ‘Host’ personality is more of a tom-boy, most of my friends are male and I like to play video games and rough-house, and make jokes, things like that, I really just want to have fun and be with my friends.
However when I’m around my family I’m completely different, without even realising it until I get in trouble over it. I’m just always very angry and on edge, I don’t hate my family, but when I’m around them I feel like I do. It’s weird to me because I can miss them and just want to do nice things but when i get close to them to try and do that I just start fights and agrue and complain and am really mean sometimes.
That’s all that I am sure about, the three most obvious different ‘me’s’. The reason I’m not sure if it’s really DID or something else is that I can remember when I’m different, at least for a shortwhile, and that I’m aware of most of it. The angry one I’m less aware of when it happens or I’d try to stop myself more. I read somewhere that not rememebring your childhood can be a symptom, and I don’t, i know what people have told me happened when I was little, and can form story like memories of how it may have happened but I dont have any memories of my own. I also have a really really bad memory have gotten in troble for it many many times in the past, but I cant help it. I have realativly normal short-term memory but my long-term memory is really bad. For example, I play a game online, where I’m mostly using the first personality I mentioned. While I have a great time and I can remember things that happened from the start of when i started playing or the day before or so, when i got asked to write down some of my memories from the game for a project a friend was doing I couldn’t remember anything. Also, if i get introuble and lose my net privaliges I get really really depressed and even suicidal, though I’ve gotten better at that or tried to at least. I’ve been dianosged with depression but I don’t take medication for it as it makes me feel like i can’t feel anything, not even happiness, and that’s on different types of med’s too not just one. The reason I ask is cause I’m living with my boyfriend now and i met him online, and I’ve realised that he fell in love with my online personality and doesn’t know the rest, and the feelings I’ve been having that he only loves me sometimes is really true cause right now he only loves me when I’m like I am online, which is hard to keep up in everyday life.. I want him to love all of me and i know he’s willing enough to. Sorry if this was long and rambling by the way.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much distress. I believe you need to find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or trauma. Admittedly, it can be difficult to locate a specialist but many therapists are trained to deal with trauma and may be able to assist you with your issues.
I believe it is important for you to be in therapy at this time for several reasons, including your depression, your urge to commit suicide when something goes wrong, and the fact that you have in essence created an alternate online personality. In addition, you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions which may be related to the fact that you are having experiences that you don’t remember, at least consciously. You need the support of a therapist to help you stay grounded in reality, control your emotions and deal with your depression. This is especially important because it does not seem as if you have much support from your family.
I would also encourage you to become educated about DID. Knowledge is power and this is especially true when it comes to DID because unfortunately it is often misdiagnosed and relative to other mental health disorders, is poorly understood. Some books about DID that are highly rated include:
- The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock
- Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder by
Tracy, Ph.D. Alderman and Karen Marshall
- Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out by W. Giller
- The Stranger In The Mirror by Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall
You did not ask a specific question but I believe what is most important for you at this time is to be in treatment with a competent therapist who can help you deal with your history of trauma and possibly a diagnosis of DID. The best way to know if you have the right therapist is if you feel a little better after each session. Please click the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate mental health professional in your community. I wish you well. Please take care.