My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, we usually communicate our feelings and are very respectful of each other. In May, my bf started talking to a girl who had previously had feelings for before we started dating, because he felt as if he left her behind without clearing things up. I didn’t think much of it until he gave her a ride home and let her stay at his house while she was locked out of hers. I know he wasn’t cheating because his mom and sister were in the kitchen with them, but this was the first time he didn’t let me know what was going on. I later found out that for a little over a week he had been saying he was “going to sleep” and would hang up only to go FaceTime this girl and talk to her for hours after 11pm. He wasn’t even honest with everything at first until I questioned why he had deleted their conversation from his phone and I saw the facetimes in his call log. It took him about an hour to finally tell me everything that happened, I was considering breaking up since I had felt so betrayed. He knew he was supposed to be honest and never lie again, but he did it again about two weeks ago. He told me he was texting a friend of mine about their common interest in music and I was okay and happy he was honest. I hung up with him around 2am and told him to sleep soon because we had a date planned for early the next morning. I hung out with that friend a couple days later and she told me that they had stayed up until 4am texting and that he told her not to tell me. I confronted him, he admitted and said he was planning on telling me that night. He had once again deleted their conversation and I had to get it from her, btw she didn’t send me the important parts so I am no longer friends with her. And once again he has lied, again nothing huge, but he said he would send me pics of his food while on vaca. He has been gone a week and nothing, I keep pestering him for them and he said he sent one of his dessert. I knew something was shady so I confronted him and told him not to lie, but he proceeded to and was going to fake the whole thing FOR A PICTURE. I don’t know what to do because he hasn’t stopped, how will I know he really will when he says so if it hasn’t been true so far. I don’t want to lose our relationship, but I have told him I am not going to date someone who won’t stop lying to me.
There’s a famous quote that might be helpful in your situation: “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” You said that you don’t want to date someone who lies, but you are doing just that. You have caught him lying a number of times. He is showing you his character. He lies about small and big things. People who are willing to lie about small things are most certainly willing to lie about bigger things. If you don’t want to date someone who lies, then consider ending the relationship.
Try to avoid making the same mistake that many people make, which is trying to change their partner. People are who they are and you cannot mold them into someone you want them to be. You cannot control another person’s behavior. You can only react to it.
Dating is about getting to know someone to see if they are a match for you. When you learn that they are not a match, then it is time to move on. The majority of people who you will date will not be a match. That is the nature of dating. It is as true for you as it is for everyone else. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle