For a while now, I have shown symptoms of depression as well as social anxiety. I talked to a therapist about whatever I could. I told him about some other things like the repetitive tasks I must perform out of fear, my derealization experiences, etc. All he told me was that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m not sure if I explained myself too well or if he doesn’t necessarily want to tell me about what may be going on. This is quite frustrating, because I need help. Terribly!
I feel as though I will be taking my life soon. I think about this everyday. I have quite a lot of breakdowns but I keep this to myself. I have suicidal fantasies and they are quite a relief. I am always extremely sad and become angry very quickly. I feel so lonely and I feel like a burden. I am just another failure. When others talk about the future and ask me what my plans are, all I can think about is death. Along with these suicidal thoughts and fantasies, I have quite a lot of homicidal fantasies which all have to do with mass murder. It seems as though I have this hidden goal of becoming an infamous mass murderer. I want to be at the top of a ranking chart for mass murderers and how many they have killed. I would like to write a manifesto and some other separate paperbooks that would explain my motives, my worldview, societal views, me as a person, etc. Of course this is all part of an elegant fantasy. I am filled with rage and hatred. I feel powerful and in control when I think about mass murder.
Overall, I really just want to know how to deal with these thoughts and fantasies. Living doesn’t seem like the best option currently.
It seems as though you have spoken with your therapist about your social anxiety but not your suicidal or homicidal thoughts. You should not keep those from your therapist. It is very important that you discuss those thoughts with your therapist. It should be the very first thing you discuss in your next therapy session.
You’re not alone in your homicidal fantasies. These fantasies often involve becoming an all-powerful, entity of destruction. Desire for infamy is a desire to be seen as important, to get attention. People feel this way when there are suffering and they lack power in their own lives.
It’s difficult to tolerate all the negativity in your world, especially when you’re in pain and don’t have the power to stop it.
But you have a choice as to how you move forward. You can choose to seek help or to act on your strong emotions, which in all likelihood, are temporary and will eventually subside.
Many, many people at 14, the teenage years, have difficult lives. The world can seem oppressive but that changes as you age, mature and grow. It’s best to seek help during this turbulent time.
Even without help, many people learn that eventually life gets better in time. That’s the core message from people who have attempted suicide and who have survived. They discovered that their lives got better and thankfully, were alive to see it happen.
Killing, mass murders, etc., are as much a form of suicide as homicide. The consequence of murder is, for all practical purposes, the ending of your own life. You will be killed during the homicide or perhaps executed, after being caught, or live a nearly unimaginable life of degradation in prison, until you commit suicide or your heart naturally stops beating.
Damien Echols, of the West Memphis Three, spent 18 years incarcerated for a crime he did not commit. He was eventually released and described prison as “the coldest, most empty place…you’re dealing with some of the most sadistic elements of humanity there… I can’t even articulate how bad it is, how vile and revolting it is.”
I don’t think you want that kind of life.
Ronald Siegal, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School, is right when he says you are not our thoughts. “We think our thoughts actually mean something. In fact we think we are our thoughts and our thoughts are us… Sometimes [your thoughts] are downright ridiculous. Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.”
He’s exactly right. Many people have irrational, ridiculous thoughts but they don’t necessarily mean anything. They might be evidence of suffering and a sign that an individual should seek help but they should not necessarily be thought of as important. Fantasies are meant for exploring thoughts and ideas without having to do them in real life. Most fantasies are never carried out.
I hope that you will ask your therapist for help with your homicidal and suicidal thoughts. I hear from many teenagers who don’t have access to any mental health treatment and who would be envious of your opportunity. You have that access, use it for your benefit. Your therapist can help you but not if you withhold important information from him. I wish you well. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle