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My parents don’t talk to each other

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I started hating my parents last summer. It all started when I went to the beach w/ my friend. I had permission from my dad that i could go. I left early in the morning like 7ish and came back 9. He was so mad when i came back because it was “too late” and my mom didnt know about it. The thing is ever since i was in the 5/6th grade they stopped talking!! (they live in the same house but do not talk at alll!!! they dont sleep in the same room or anything!!!.) its soo stupid and pointless. They use my brothers and siters (there are 5 of us) to send messages to each other. That summer me and my dad always butted heads. I was mad at him for thinking he was right all the time and for getting his way. I was also mad at my mom. she doesnt do anything or back me up. she just stays there and watches. and when i tell her im afraid of him cuz he does get viloent she tells me to leave her alone and shut up. I think my mom is soo stupid because they dont even have a good realtionship and at least i talk to her but shes alwasy on his side.

Im 16. I found this teacher that i trust and he kinda took the place of my dad. He is the total opposite. but anyways I had a job at a fast food resturant.I worked there for about a month and quit for lots of reasons and i was already taking classes summer SAT classes at school and was too tired to go to work i felt sluggish and stuff. when my mom found out i quit she said well u could of just waited untill summer was over. and that was it. then the next day we were talking. my mom had to find the right tme to “tell my father” The thing that got me mad is because he didnt even know why he just insults me. (btw im not stupid im top ten of my class).

lets FFWD to today when i didnt got to SAT classes because i was unsure if i had them today beacause the teacher was saying its pointless and stuff but anyways. as soon as my mom came home my dad waited for the right time to “tell her”. my mom was like. “ur so stupid and u can clean the whole house because u quit everything” and of course she has no idea what happen because they dont communicate. all she knows is i didnt go!!

So thats basicaly it!! I HATE THEM SO MUCH. i always daydream of better parents that will listen!! and they think there always right!! and they always insult me call me stupid and put me down. They dont even talk to each other they just wait for the right moment and they over hear what happeneds then when ones done yelling at me the other does it to. They think there so reliogus but i think there the biggest hypocrite that ever lived!! I cant wait to grow up because i know how to not treat my kids!!!! i cant take it anymore. I dont know what to do!!!

This really hurts, doesn’t it. All you really want is for your family to get along and to be able to love each other. It sounds to me like maybe your parents are so overwhelmed by their own troubles, and maybe by parenting 5 kids, that they have stopped even trying to make things right. What really needs to happen here is some family counseling. No family can function well if the two parents aren’t even speaking to each other.

It’s at least worth a try to see if they would agree to take the family to see a counselor. If you make the suggestion when you’re angry, they won’t hear it. Approach them when things are at least relatively calm and tell them how worried you are and how much you want your family to be better. Then give them the phone numbers for your local community mental health center. Fortunately, you live in a city where there are several. (I’d give you a phone number but I don’t know specifically where you live. If you do a web search by entering your city’s name and counseling services at least 8 different centers will come up.) If your folks don’t go, at least you’ll know you gave it a try.

Whether the family goes to therapy or not, you still need to take care of yourself. You’re a top student. In less than 2 short years, you’ll be able to go off to school. You need to keep your grades up and do well on your SATs so you qualify for scholarships. Personally, I think the SAT classes that a lot of schools run are a really good thing. They help you get used to the test and give you practice. You also need to develop yourself through sports or arts or school clubs or volunteer jobs. Colleges look for people who are active and who have found ways to learn skills in teamwork and leadership.

It’s okay to look for other role models. That doesn’t mean to stop loving your family. Just don’t expect so much from them if they haven’t got it to give. A healthy choice is to find other people who can give you caring support, who can listen to your troubles, and who can give you good advice. Teachers, youth leaders, clergy, counselors, and often the parents of good friends are candidates for the job. Find some positive people and make time for them. Do remember that relationships go two ways and that part of making an alternative “family” work is to give as well as to receive.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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