I ran across an email confession from my spouse. My spouse talked about all the things I do that piss them off. How I am a dead beat and how my ptsd is just an excuse and how they feel trapped in doing anything because of it. Talked about the times I tried to commit suicide about it, about how they wanted to leave me due to my ptsd. But told that they know if they told me they wanted a divorce then they would lose the house, because i own the house. There was a lot of anger in the email, lots of perception that they had that wasn’t 100% true. Lots of resentment towards me. This i am sharing is the confession they wrote to their friends after bitching badly about me.
(My confession after all this bitching though, is that I wish he would kill himself. I’m sure I would be devastated at first, but I just want to be me again, and I don’t want his lazy rear end to drag anyone else down, really. I almost feel that it would be easier. The settlement check would still come to pay my parents back, I wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or having to take care of any of his new medical bills, other than what we already owe. I am probably a horrible person, but his ptsd is starting to feel more like an excuse to abuse me on purpose instead of a reason on why he abuses me on accident. He no longer functions in society or our relationship (except when he wants sex), and although I want him gone, I know I’m the only person that will miss him.)
I was so shocked when I seen this. I asked her about this. She freaked out and started crying, telling me she didn’t want me dead and for us to work out. I am so confused, numb, hurt and scared. I love her so much. She never told me how she felt about anything. I found out this way. So lost. (age 37, from US)
It is unfortunate that you found out how your wife is feeling in such a shocking and painful manner, but at least now you know. It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. Chances are that she was just venting to a friend and, thinking that it was confidential, was overly dramatic. I doubt that she really wants you to die, but it is clear that she is hurting and desperate.
If you really are being abusive in any way toward her, I hope that this email serves as a wakeup call and you will seek help immediately. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is a serious condition, but it is not an excuse to abuse another person. There are many successful treatments available.
On the other hand, if your wife is mentally unstable and you believe that she really did mean what she said, then you would both be better off getting divorced and going your separate ways. Love is not enough. However, if you want to attempt work through this, I would highly recommend that you only do so with the help of a marital therapist.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts