I started cutting this year and I told my guidance counselor who told my mom. The way my mom reacted was awful. She yelled and screamed at me. She told me I was stupid and that I embarassed her. She said that she could lock me in a mental hopital with other people like me. My mom is a therapist also and that’s what scares me. I’m always so afraid to tell her things because she looks at me with these mean eyes. Well I guess we are at a point now where she forgot about it and only brings it up when we are in an argument to use against me or when I want something. The thing is I am still hurt by her over that.
I know why I started cutting, but my mom never asked me why. Well, she kinda did and I lied and said I just wanted to and she let it go. She has no clue I have scars. At the time I kept hoping that maybe now since she found out she will get me a therapist, but seeing how my mom is honestly I don’t want one. My mom never thought of getting me one.
My step father “touched” me 2x in places he shouldn’t. At first I was ok. I kept going on day to day fine. Finally it got to me. That’s why I started cutting. I don’t sleep at night to this day and I don’t know why but I can’t. Sometimes I have unrealistic thoughts like about him murdering us and I’m always being called paranoid by friends and teachers. I think I’m ok right now with what happened. It’s only every so often I have a melt down.
The thing is though I’m always really angry at him. My mom is always screaming at me for having an attitude. My mom is emotionally abusive I think. She’s constantly saying things to me that make me cry. I feel like I’m the one she takes all her anger out on when my step dad and her fight (all the time). She favors all my sisters over me. I’m the one who has to do every chore around the house. She buys them lots of things and when I ask for something get told she’s not made of money. I’m not saying I go without. I have plenty and all I need, I just feel hated. My mom can talk to my 2 older sisters 20 and 23 about everything, boys, sex, weddings, and I feel too afraid to go to her because of how she treats me. She loves my little sister and spoils her but I’m stuck in the midddle and don’t know what to do.
I’m feeling pretty low. I’m sick of my stepdad telling me to “smile it’s good for you” and my mom saying “you look so angry.” How do I fix this relationship with my mom and get her to forget about the cutting?
By the way I am so sorry I wrote so much. As you can tell I’m not the brightest so I couldn’t shorten it much and get everything out. I’m sorry. I really hope someone can help me with my mom, I want her to love me.
You sound really alone and lonely. I’m so, so sorry that your mom hasn’t been able to be supportive. I can only guess that she is terrified that something is going on with your stepdad (since they fight all the time) and that she can’t cope with the idea so takes it out on you. That doesn’t make it the least bit okay, especially for a therapist who of all people ought to know better. But therapists are people too and sometimes they can’t see their own families as clearly as they see their clients’.
You have every reason to be sad and upset and angry. I understand that cutting may distract you from your emotional pain but in the end it only leaves you with another problem. I think you figured that one out already. So — how do we find you some help?
I located a hotline in your state: 1 800 572 SAFE. I talked to a very kind woman there who told me that anyone who answers the phone can direct you to people who can talk to you and help you decide how to handle what is going on. Please give us therapists a chance. Most are genuinely concerned about their clients and want very much to be helpful. Often we can make a real difference in people’s lives.
You definitely need more help and support than I can offer in a letter. Please contact the hotline. You can stay anonymous if you like so it won’t hurt to give them a call. I’m away for the rest of the month but will be back at the beginning of August. Please write to me then and let me know how you are doing. I care.
I wish you well.