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Not the Real Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

check my score, its kinda lengthy to explain hear. I can go out,i can trust others, i am a master at building up a fake me for every situation there is, and im also great at segregation. Im never happy, i hate myself so much i am never me. I have never been the real me in years, so long that i forgot who that was. All that is left is the me’s i came up with to assume when i am around other people. Hell on me is one that is instable and one is strong, one gives great advice, one is sick and twisted, it all depends on what other people need from me to get what they want out of every interaction. Im an empty shell. When i am alone, i am nothing, i cant sleep or relax, i drink and do things that deter my goals that i set when i think i have found a end all solution for my problems. ANd there has been alot of them in life. I hurt my self as well, when i am sick me….then i take a hot knife blade and burn and cut my self. Not to kill myself, but to feel the pain, cause that me loves the pain. It got bad enough that my tattoo artists has declared there is no part on my left arm thats eligable for tattooing cause its all full of scars. I drink every night, i hate it but i do. Not to get drunk but to stop my heart from racing,to calm down so i can sleep. I tried sleeping pills, but they lost effect. I have taken so many pills over the years that sleeping pills are like a afternoon snack and wont sastisfiy my goal. I have over taken sleeping pills, liquid pain med mixed with rum, mixed with over the counter sleeping pills and had no real effect of a normal sleep. I was up for hours still, barley slept, went to work and did my workout, then went and trained in judo, then went home and had same problem going to bed. There is more, so much more, i want to say, but i need to cut this short and im scared as it is to post this.If someone comes after me for this, i wont be the same person, just as i am not when i go see a doc for help. You will never know, because i will know you within a couple minutes of meeting and i will have assumed a me that will please what ever it is your looking for and you will never see the real me. You will even walk away thinking you acomplished alot with me and that you had a strong connection with me and thats what allowed you to help me. And you will never know me, no one ever knows me. So im hoping that people on this website can help, cause i cant see you and you might get to see the real me and help, cause if i were to see you in person…well u get it, it wont be me.

I hope it will be the real “you” reading this letter. It is not healthy to pretend to be someone you are not. I am not certain if you are consciously choosing to be someone else in the presence of others or if it is an unconscious reaction. In either case, it is most likely serving the same purpose: psychological protection. The key question is: What are you protecting yourself from? If I had the opportunity to interview you in person, I would want to know when this problem began, what you were like before it started, and whether you experienced a traumatic event that may have prompted this reaction, among many other questions.

You are obviously suffering. This is evident from your behavior including the severe self-mutilation and your use of alcohol and sleeping pills. It is clear that the pain you feel is very real.

My concern is that you will continue down a road of self-destruction. I say this because you mentioned that even when you saw a doctor you pretended to be someone else. It will be difficult for someone to help you if you deliberately mislead them.

I would advise you to consider seeking professional help but only if you think you can tell the truth. It would not be beneficial to attend counseling if you have no desire to go or have no intention to be honest with the therapist. It would be a waste of your time.

Part of the problem may be that you have lived as this “other person” for so long that you don’t know how to behave or how to change. Pretending to be someone else has obviously provided some level of comfort and functionality in your life. Therapy could help you to find healthy alternatives to deal with psychological pain.

The choice is yours as to whether or not you want to seek help. No one can force you into therapy but consider the alternative: continued use of pills, alcohol and self-harm as a way to anesthetize your emotional pain. These choices may provide temporary relief but they will only prolong your suffering. I hope you are able to find the help that you need. Click on the “find help” tab above to search for a therapist.

Thank you for your question. Please take care.

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