I am dating a guy that I really care about, he is generally really good to me and helps me better my life in terms of school and work. The idea of him talking to other girls bothers me, a lot. I’ve behaved very “crazy” like with him. I feel impulsive, out of control. I imagine all of these threats, and even if they are real, my behavior is out of control. I’m not asking this question so I could make my relationship better, I am asking because I am really concerned, and my behavior is affecting those around me. But I am not usually like this, I have not been like this with other guys. I am generally calm, I generally don’t experience anxiety mentally. I dislike emotional people, but now I am being extremely emotional and irrational.
Quick background: Severe physical, and emotional abuse as a child (burning, etc), into teenage years. Parents told me I wasn’t wanted repeatedly as a child. No sexual abuse by parents. Raped by ex-boyfriend, years later 1 abortion after being intimate for the first time with a guy while we were dating for over a year, abortion occurred while fully awake (no medication or sedative) and I watched them do it. Generally described as intelligent, however I do not manage my time right. I often cut myself short, I seem to be sabotaging myself (the proof is in my life). Extremely “rational” most of the time. (age 26, from US)
Thanks for writing in and I’m sorry that you were abused as a child and then experienced other traumas as a young adult. I suspect that it is all catching up to you now that you are in a stable, supportive relationship. I’ve seen it happen before — life finally seems to be good and then the past comes creeping in. Symptoms can come out of nowhere it seems.
If you want to save this relationship (and yourself) it is time to consider therapy. Even if you have gone before and thought that you had worked through your traumas, it is worth going again. The impulsivity, insecurity and new uncontrolled behavior are good signs that you are being triggered. The old saying is true that “in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself,” and I would add that in order to trust someone else, you must trust yourself. So be “rational” and go get some help.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts