From South Africa: My BF always tells me a have a very unique personality. On the one hand I know there is something wrong, because it’s just not normal, but on the other it seems right to me, because that’s how I feel and express myself.
Many people have asked me: “do you even have a heart?” because it doesn’t look like it to them. I personally don’t care a bit about other people, like I don’t have emotions towards other people. I can see the people the closes to me (family etc.) get hurt but I won’t even blink an eye. I really only have two friends (not close). The one I don’t really care about anymore an the other one, we live together so I have to pretend that I care for her. I guess I don’t have friends because when someone do me wrong, just once, they are out of my live, and I don’t even feel bad about it, even if i REALLY cared for them. It’s like a switch. Just like that all emotions and connections I had with them are gone. With all that said, I really don’t understand why? Because the relationship I have with my boyfriend is completely different,I have very intense emotions for him and they don’t go away even if he did me wrong. He’s also the only one allowed to physically touch me.
I have difficulty expressing emotions, because there just isn’t any emotions of affections.I Don’t pity anyone, I try to but I can’t. On the other hand I get REALLY upset and angry and irritated with almost everything someone does that doesn’t suite me. I really tried to make it better, but i can tell you it is anything but easy, I think it can have something to do with the fact that I’m a very crazy perfectionist.
I have good days, when I can have a laugh, but that’s not every day. Some days I get really tied up with the emotions and get depressed for a period of time, but that just feels normal to me. I even get a craving to hurt myself, just to feel pain. Pain is a pleasure to me.
I know I have many flaws but it all feels normal to me, but it shouldn’t because I know in fact that it isn’t. Is it something I should worry about?
The part of you that sent this email is worried and that is what you should honor. It makes sense that this all feels normal to you — it is familiar to you. But there is part of you that realizes something is not right. Follow that part and explore the reasons beneath your anger, perfectionism, and isolation from many others.
Since you say you are in college in your background information to us I would recommend you use the university’s counseling center to work with a therapist to sort this through.
Wishing you patience and peace,