I realized recently that all my life I’ve always get close to people but push them away, afraid they will hurt or leave me first. I tend to find myself making up stories about my day or something more extreme like a false accusation. I make up lies so people will stay with me. I’m aware that these are lies but I continue to do it. I love to seek revenge on people who have hurt me. I’m going to therapy again for this issue. When someone tries to leave me, I make them feeling pity for me, I will say that I will kill myself if they leave me. I don’t know why I find it enjoying. Help!
The ambivalence you have concerning intimacy, the push and pull, abandoning them before they can abandoned you, and using guilt to get them to stay with you, is a pattern designed to keep you in control. I’m glad you are reentering therapy to learn more about this, and I recommend group therapy somewhere along the line to help deal with these issues as they arise in group.
Wishing you patience and peace,