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Rape And Current Relationship Problems

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

This is a complicated story so bear with me. I was 12 years old when this happened. It was the beginning of seventh grade, and I had noticed my friends had started cutting as means of attention. This was just a lot to take at night and I wanted to escape this world that they were in, so i started sneaking out of the house and walking around the neighborhood before my parents woke up. On one of these walks a car pulled up to me. The driver’s name was Amber. She was 21. she would become my “girlfriend” of sorts. with her was a man named sam. he was 19. i had hung out with amber sam and their friends for months. One april night we were all drunk around a campfire. Sam had brought me into the woods away from everywhere else. I knew he had raped me, but i cant remember the sequence of events (I only learned about the event because it was videotaped by one of amber’s friends) She sent me home and told me never to come out and walk the streets again. I promised her, went home and went to bed. Fast forward to now. I have a boyfriend right now and i have lots of relationship issues with him because I get very defensive around men, esspecially those closest to me. But the thing is, i love sex. the act the feel and just beijng with another person. Im so confused at why my boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me. Does he not love me? Ive always thought intercourse was the only real kind of love. I habve cut, i do drink and i am a smoker. Can you please help me understand my situation?? I thought rape victims were supposed to resent sex..and how can i reconnect with my boyfriend??

I am sorry for the trauma you have endured. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you. The fact that the rape was videotaped is disturbing. The videotape could be important evidence in a court of law. I would recommend consulting with law enforcement officials regarding what legal recourse you may have.

You mentioned that the rape occurred while you were intoxicated. I am concerned with your drinking. I am also concerned that you have yet to seek psychological help for the rape, and you are cutting. Drinking and cutting are signs of emotional instability.

You are confusing sex and love. This is not uncommon especially at your age. You have a need to both express love and to receive love. It is an important part of human nature. Sex can and often does occur outside of love. People can have sex with someone whom they not only do not know well but with someone whose name they do not know. “One night stand” is an expression that fits this behavior.

Love builds slowly and exceeds all things including sex. You stated that you have “always thought intercourse was the only real kind of love.” You can have intercourse with someone you love, or do not, but you cannot produce love through intercourse.

Sex can exist outside a relationship. Love can only come from within a relationship. You state that you are having relationship problems. I would recommend that you begin counseling to help you with relationships. It is all very confusing but a good therapist will be a valuable asset in helping you to both understand and function successfully in a relationship.

There are many reasons why your boyfriend would not want to have sex at this time in your relationship. Perhaps he is confused, afraid, or simply wants to wait. You should not see this as an indication that he does not love you.

If I can help in any other way, please do not hesitate to write back.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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