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Relationship Problems

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve known the guy that I fell in love with for 3 years now. I love him so much to the point where I worry about him and not myself I’m to the point where I don’t care about myself anymore because I blame myself for what we go through. all I think about is him and I feel I failed our relationship. He got another girl pregnant because him and I are always off and on I would always tell him “its over” but in less than 24hours we were back together I feel as though that that’s how the other woman he was involved with got pregnant. Although she’s about to have his baby I still want to be around him but things are getting worse because of all of this I now drink alcohol everyday and I hate being sober. I love him so much but sometimes I get so angry at him every time I catch him with another woman or every time I go through his phone and find something wrong I cut up his clothes or brake something of his. I make him so angry that he hits me but I let him because I act so childish I feel as though I deserve it. I talk soo much and when we make up after a fight, I talk even more but I don’t think he understands when I talk I’m really trying to show him how strong my feelings are for him maybe he dosen’t know maybe I called it off so much to the point where he’s trying to move and and don’t want to hurt my feelings. I told him I still want to be with him and he told me he still wants to be with me even though she’s having his baby but I worry about it a lot and I get jealous. I hate myself for this its all my fault because he was nice when we first met but I use to push him away but now I feel guilty about it. If I can’t be with him I don’t know what I’ll do I feel my mind is playing tricks on me and it makes me wonder am I crazy? Whats wrong with me? how come I cant move on if people say he’s a low-life? why cant people see what I see in him? I admit he dosent do anything for me but isnt that how its suppose to be? I’m not needy. Everything I do is wrong I dont want to leave my house or do anything at all im scared not to get in anymore trouble. I lost myself behind this.

This relationship seems unhealthy and unstable. It’s not clear from your letter what exact role you play in maintaining the dysfunction in this relationship but you’re both probably at fault. It’s not healthy that you and he constantly fight. You said that he physically abuses you but you allow this because you feel like you deserve it. You’re at the point where you believe you can’t move on and are not sure what you’ll do if you can’t have him. These are all signs of an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.

You also wrote that you love him so much that you no longer care about yourself. You drink presumably so you don’t have to deal with the reality of your situation. You also blame yourself for him getting another female pregnant. I’m not sure why you believe you are to blame for this. Maybe you’re guilty of not being clear about the status of your relationship but it still doesn’t excuse the fact that by getting another woman pregnant he’s now permanently linked himself to another woman and their child. Something needs to change in this relationship.

People say he’s a “lowlife” and you can’t understand why they don’t see him in the manner that you do. Presumably you see him as a “good guy.” There is a very high likelihood that others are correct about him and you are wrong. Based on what you wrote, you and he constantly fight, he physically abuses you and he recently impregnated another woman. You also wrote about having to go through his phone to confirm your suspicion that he had been interacting with other women. Maybe people believe he’s a “lowlife” because he is deserving of the label.

If you’re having difficulty understanding why his treatment toward you is wrong then I would strongly suggest that you consider seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you understand not only why this relationship is unhealthy but could also help you analyze your part in maintaining this dysfunctional partnership. In addition, a therapist can assist you in learning how to gain self-esteem, self-awareness, self-respect, teach you an alternative to turning to alcohol as a way to handle your problems and help you move on to a more stable and healthy relationship. Thank you for writing.

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