I have no idea how to explain my issue. I give the impression that I think a lot, when in fact, I don’t. I don’t connect with people emotionally, and I am apathetic to the point where I absolutely give no regard to what comes out from my mouth (I toned this down a lot when sober by simply staying quite or simply throwing more subtle comments. And no I don’t do it out of contempt. I actually don’t mean to hurt anyone at all.) I am mind blank almost all the time, and whenever I am not, I am obsessing over why I am that way. I have tried to diagnose myself with many things, starting from schizophrenia and going by agoraphobia and passing by clinical depression to depersonalization and adhd. I have no idea why I am this way. Even in conversations with people, I am not at all fully there. I don’t enjoy anything anymore for some reason and I don’t seem to feel any emotions at all except when I’m sad or afraid. I zone out a lot and I sometimes obsess over the idea that I am insane. My life goes past me without me grasping it and I don’t seem to figure out a reason or a way to do so. Some background about me is: I was molested as a child multiple times by multiple people, I had no father figure in my life, I lived alone most of my life and I am incredibly smart at mathematics.
Though you have provided information about yourself and your symptoms, it’s not enough to provide a diagnosis. Diagnosis is impossible over the Internet. You should consult a therapist who can interview you in person and collect a thorough psychosocial history. He or she would be in the best position to determine what might be wrong.
I’m wondering how long you have had these symptoms. You said that you don’t connect with people emotionally. What exactly do you mean? Has it always been that way? Did something change recently?
You also mentioned that you “don’t enjoy anything anymore.” “Anymore” implies that you were once able to enjoy aspects of life. Feeling apathetic and having an inability to feel joy (anhedonia) may be signs of depression, or perhaps not.
Do you have a history of drug use? Many people who have used drugs have described similar feelings. Perhaps you are experiencing the aftereffects of drug use.
When something is wrong, you shouldn’t ignore it. Writing this letter is your taking notice of your symptoms and showing concern. It’s a good first step. Your next step should be undergoing an evaluation with a mental health professional. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle