Ever since I was a child (7 to 10 years)I would feel aroused when I see someone humiliated or slightly tortured, I would imagine myself being the one receiving getting humiliated. I began masturbating when I was about 10, I didn’t even know what was I doing, I didn’t even know anything about sex or had any sexual feelings. I would lay on my stomach and just sort of pressure myself against the floor and I would never use my hands or finger myself, it has been the same way ever since. I am 20 years old, and I never get turned on by anything rather than humiliation and torture such as whipping and stuff. I learned that it’s a sexual masochism disorder. However, this whole issue has been bothering me for so long, and I cannot just get convinced that I was born this way. The fact that I only feel aroused this way ever since I was a kid makes me mad, especially because it’s not even associated with sex. It’s not like imagining having sex in that kind of way, sex is never even a factor in this. Never. Sex and steamy scenes never make me feel anything. I even began thinking that maybe I was sexually assaulted or abused in general as a child. My parents were normal and good, though. But for example, as a child and a teenager and even now, I am depressed most of the time. I am also very reckless towards myself like in fifth grade I swallowed so many pills to die and it was for a stupid reason. I used to self-harm very deeply( not related to masochism), and there is so much other stuff. Lately, I have been trying to remember my childhood. We had a nanny for a few years when I was 6 or 7, I remember that I hated her so much, that I once held a knife and told her that I would kill myself if she didn’t stop bothering me. I don’t remember though what she used to do, I cannot even remember her face which is weird because I remember people and stuff from a stage much earlier than that in my life. I have also been bullied as a kid from my friends but not like physically or anything. I know it’s stupid but I desperately want an explanation. (From Egypt)
I am sorry this is happening to you and hope we can offer you a path for dealing with this today. The university you are at is very likely to have a counseling center, and I believe it would be in your best interest to talk with them. There are many possibilities for these feelings and working the issue through with someone is a good way to figure out not only what happened, but also how to cope with it.
Sexual Masochism Disorder can have many possible causes. You may want to read more about it here.
Wishing you patience and peace,