I’m 16 and I am going through extreme guilt and regret over 3 incidents. Once when I was 9 years and was going through little inspection of my cousin sister’s (6 years) private part while playing doctor. Rest 2 when I was 10 or 11 years old. I went to my grandma’s home where my cousin sister who was 6 or 7 years came we were playing a game in which I was mother and she was the child. When it was the time to feed the baby we thought we would act like breast feeding (and at that time we had no boobs at all). In one chance I was the mother and in another she. After few months when we met again she told to play that game again but I refused . I worry if she would tell her mom and put entire blame on me(as I was the older one) and then they would call the police and I would be called an abuser.
Another when my brother was 5 years . We were wearing our pants only . He touched my boobs and we laid on each other and probably also that breastfeeding if I’m not confusing the above incident with this one . And the worst feeling is that I had initiated it. It happened 2 or 3 times. I feel really sick thinking about this was I an abuser.
I have told these incidents to my mom and she says it’s alright after all you were just a small child. I have read much about child behaviour they all say that such behaviour is normal developmental phase .It’s OK to feel a little awkward about it later in life.I always grew between younger children and had no one to play with of my age. My mother until then had never told me about sex or privacy. Nor did I have any exposure to adult content until then. Can you help me with this I’m overwhelmed with feeling of regret and feel very depressed. I wonder how they feel do they feel they were offended . I had no idea a out what I was doing then. Is it normal, should I move on? (From India)
These experiences and feelings are common, but knowing this often doesn’t help alleviate the anguish over them. I would find a way to do something very deliberate, concrete, and helpful as a way of making an amends. NOT to the person(s) involved, but for strangers, or a program. Perhaps volunteering at your school to help children learn to read, or read to them. Anything you can do to do something kind for children as a deliberate way of making amends should help.
Wishing you patience and peace,