I’m 18 and for some time I have been debating whether or not I’m gay, bi, or neither. The thing is that I am really turned on to other males from a physical perspective, but the thought of having sex with another male isn’t all that appealing. In addition I feel like emotionally loving another male, would just feel weird and awkward. I have guy friends, none of which whom I’m attracted to and I just wonder maybe I’m not gay. (In fact one of my friends just came out to me and I was shocked, which raised even more questions about myself). On the other hand women are somewhat attractive, kissing a girl gets me slightly aroused, and the thought of having an emotional loving relationship with a women is really appealing…
I must admit I have always I have always had weird emotions about things of a sexual matter. Since I was 12, when I first started masturbating, I remember lying in bed crying for hours because I felt guilty, helpless and just an overall sick feeling. I have sort of gotten over that, but at times I still have anxiety attacks after masturbating and sometimes depression. I have never been sexually abused and have never been brought up in a family being taught that masturbation is a bad thing. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was 10 before I had sexual feelings.
I must confess I have a weird Fetish. When I see a guy that I am really turned on by, I fantasize about being that guy. When I masturbate, I picture myself slowly turning into that person. Usually the guy is someone who is taller and more masculine than me. I remember this starting when I was around 12. I was a late bloomer so many other guys developed much earlier than me. I remember being fascinated and turned on when other guys hit their growth spurts and when their voices changed. The idea of me going through it was sexually arousing. I don’t know why I am this way and I don’t want to be this way. Currently I am seeking a psychologist for GAD and OCD and am just wondering if this is something I could talk about and possibly get over. I get very depressed because I can’t really see myself having a sexual relationship with a man or women and I want that, if only I could get this fetish out of the way. Is there a classification for the type of fetish I am talking about? I read on another website this is known as “a jealous passion” where a person with limited social contact with the same sex will often fantasize about being another guy. These are the ONLY fantasies I have ever thought about during masturbation. I have tried others (thinking about intercourse) but it just doesn’t work. I just feel like I am going through an identity crisis right now, I really crave a relationship with either a guy or a girl, but I feel this fetish gets in the way…
If you could give me a little advice, I would really appreciate it!
I deeply appreciate you taking the time to identify all of these issues in your letter. I am glad you reached out here.
A couple of things jump out at me right away. The first is that you are already in therapy and have not yet spoken to your male therapist about these feelings. The fact that they are troubling, and that you have not identified them in therapy yet is an important issue. There are some professionals who might go so far as to say your generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder may be connected to your sexual ambivalence and inhibition toward discussing it in therapy.
My strong suggestion is to find a way to bring this into your next session. If approaching this topic seems too difficult – you might just want to have your therapist read this letter as an icebreaker.
Wishing you patience and peace,