I haven’t told anybody about my emotions and current state as i am ashamed. i have been feeling depressed and paranoid with everything.
A lot of things have happened to me in my life but i haven’t thought about them until last year and it really saddens me.
i was adopted by my auntie and uncle and moved to another country because my real mother was too young to keep me and put me in an orphanage. though i accepted i was adopted at the age of 7 and spoke nothing more. i was molested by an older girl when i was 7 also, i didn’t know what she was doing to me. my adopted parents divorced when i was 12 though i accepted that as well as they unhappy for many years.
at school i wasn’t social able nor was i bullied. people liked talking to me and enjoyed my input to conversations. i just didn’t want to hang out with the same people all the time as i didn’t like cliques. i felt different to everyone and found it hard to relate to them all the time but i accepted who i was.
when i left school at 17, that’s when i felt a change or a break down was brewing. i went to college and hanged out with people who were into drugs and alcohol. three years of partying and abusing my body. during that time, i have lost a lot of friends as i felt they were talking about me all the time. i realized it must of been in my head as one time i was alone in my flat i kept hearing my name and muttering. i stopped partying when i found out it’s all in my head.
the past year, i have been busy with my dissertation in university but i noticed how a lot of people don’t talk to me anymore. maybe because i don’t party and I’ve been busy. but it’s really depressed me. now to the point where i want to move city. I’ve been crying non stop for 4 months, even having suicidal thoughts though i can’t bring myself to do it as i know it’s wrong. maybe due to stress. but i really need a friend and find it hard when no one wants to see me. i feel when i do meet them, i feel like an outcast and have horrible glares from people whom i was once friends with. like i’m not invited. i’m so paranoid that they bitch and talk about me behind my back. even had thought’s that they started blogs bitching about me.
i am moving away to different city and no one really cares to see me before i go. i just feel like i am just an extra body that no one really cares about.
i feel so close to a mental brake down. i can’t afford a therapist as i haven’t had a job in a year. should i seek help or what i am experiencing is nothing major? Thank you.
Yes, you should seek help. On one hand, I am reluctant to characterize your problem as something “major” because it makes it seem as if it is an impossible problem to solve. It is not. On the other hand, any time someone has thoughts of suicide, it is a serious matter. Seeking professional help is both wise and necessary. I would strongly recommend it.
I am not familiar with European mental health systems but in the American system, individuals without health insurance and with limited incomes can receive treatment at local community mental health centers. I would recommend checking with the Department of Health to see what services you may be eligible for. In addition, in the United States all college students have free access to university health and mental health services. This may also be true of colleges in Europe. Check with someone at the school to see what services you may be eligible for.
I find it remarkable that even though you have been suffering you are on the verge of major educational success. It must have been difficult for you to focus on your studies and yet you managed to do so. This demonstrates a trait often associated with success in life, which is resilience. I wish you continued success.
Finally, I’m sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long. You need and deserve help. I hope that you are able to receive it. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle