I was subjected to repeated abuse and trauma from age 2 until about 5. I’ve had several other traumatic experiences both physical and mental since then. In school I never fit in with others (fighting, manipulation, terrorize) finding them to be mindless robots that have no real purpose too easily controlled, a feeling that hasn’t gone away in adulthood.
It has reached the point that the simple act of paying a bill in person, or shopping for groceries requires puking, several deep breathes, and normally some kind of sedative just to stomach human interaction.
People never know. They refer to me as polite, friendly, and helpful. It’s all a lie. I hate humans. I visualize people and scenarios that I’m told are disturbing to others. I physically shake when I try to put the thoughts away.I have been told I have Bipolar disorder, PTSD, DDNOS, and have had blackouts during psychotic episodes. I don’t understand the feelings others have, but have become very good at pretending. I “feel” more sympathy for a deer hit on the road than the people I see killed on the news.
I think I love my wife and kids, but lately I’m not sure it’s not just the comfort of fitting into society that I enjoy. The only person (besides the Dr) that know my thoughts is my wife, who I am starting to frighten. I take 5 different psych meds (when I take them)
Sometimes they help me sleep or quite the voices for a while, but it always comes back. The meds make me feel different, like I’m losing me. I like who I am. Why can’t others just leave me alone and let me be. I’m a Vet, using the vet doctors for help.
I’m afraid to mention many things to them for fear of losing my freedom. Is it possible to “fix” what society sees as wrong with me, or am I better of to just keep on playing the game?
A; Your pain sounds very real and difficult to cope with. I think you will need to do two things, play the game AND keep working on trying to fix it. Of course I can’t diagnose you, but the conditions and reactions you describe warrant some more discussion with your doctors. My hope is that one of them is a therapist and will have some experience in dealing with traumatic reactions. You have had several at different ages and that is likely to be part of both understanding and lessening your symptoms. I would recommend you talk more to the doctors and let them know the difficulty you are having. If they don’t know, they can’t help.
Wishing you patience and peace,