Back story: My father sexually abused me from an early age to the age of 9 when I was placed into foster care where I resided for 10 years. My mother was callous and distant; I have 3 brothers and she beat all of us. My father was also physically abusive. I vaguely recall what happened. It was mostly witnesses that came forward and reported what had occurred. I did torture and kill animals. Mostly strangulation or kicking. Never stabbed or used any tool to kill them. I figure it was my way to vent out my rage I had towards my parents.
When I was freshly 16, I met a 26-year-old man. I thought he was amazing, but he was quite abusive and pushed me into the verge of psychosis, but we split after 5 years. During this period when we dated, my fantasies were vivid and intense. Felt surreal. I obsessed over everything related to murder, serial killers like Dexter purely to learn from them and cause I could relate to them. I hadn’t really felt love before, so it was hard to feel. I carried a 16 inch blade with me wherever I went, even stood less than a foot away from a police officer and imagined myself slicing their throat as I wrapped my hand around the handle of my blade. I had slowly gathered everything I would need to commit a murder. I felt on the verge of doing it.
I don’t know why I want to. Why I would feel this way. I had waxed myself from the past as I am more mature now, but it still surfaces from time to time. 5 years ago I was offered a job to work in a gang and work my way up to a hitman, but later declined as I didn’t want to leave where I was living. The man I am with now is pure, kind hearted, a good man. He shines a bright light onto me. Just wish I was as pure as him. Will I always be like this? Its like sex. Feels amazing just thinking about it and I know I could do it without remorse. I’ve thought of killing myself or isolating myself, even pursue it then. I try to avoid it. I want to understand it. How can I cope with this?
Everyone is affected by their environment. There is no escaping that which has happened to us in the past. In your past, if you had been raised by nurturing, loving parents, it would have left a lasting impact upon you. In your past, you were raised by neglectful, cruel, abusive parents and it has left a lasting impact upon you.
Abuse causes damage. How much and what type depends upon the individual and the abuse they have endured. Abuse causes damage; damage can be repaired. Surely, you must recognize that your parents were severely abusive. Their abuse has caused damage. You must decide, whether you live with that damage or choose to repair it. Yes, it can be repaired and no, you do not need to live with it. It is your choice. Repair the damage or experience the effects of that damage throughout your life.
You were weaker than your parents and they used their greater strength to hurt you. You were too weak to stop them. You abused and killed animals. They were too weak to stop you. You had the power and demonstrated that power over weak and helpless animals. Your power was far too weak to stop your parents from abusing you. Stopping their abuse meant gaining more power. You fantasized then and now, at times, about having more power, power to exert your will over another despite their best efforts to stop you. It is normal to fantasize about things that we desire but do not have. Many people fantasize about being rich. Their fantasies are deep and complex. They contemplate the merits of various cities to choose the various locations for their vacation homes. They weigh the merits of various friends and family members and whether or not to make some rich. They imagine the reactions of each person as they hand them a check for a life-changing amount of money. Not just once but many times, weighing and contemplating each possible outcome. In reality the fantasizer is not rich, not likely to ever be so and is very likely to be experiencing a lack of wealth or to be in financial difficulty. They fantasize about what they don’t have.
You fantasize about having incredible power. It is very likely that you feel you do not possess the adequate power necessary to thrive in life. Thus, you fantasize about having things you do not currently believe that you possess.
Working with a good therapist can change all of that. All of the damage done to you as a child can be reversed. Believe it or not, all aspects of your life could improve and many, dramatically. Don’t let the damage done to you by your parents, degrade today and tomorrow. They stole your childhood. Don’t let them cheat you out of tomorrow.
It’s your choice. They chose the past. You can choose the future. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle