So the issue is I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’ve been searching ever since I was 14 or 13 I don’t remember, it happened around that time. I was once a rowdy kid, in school i would interrupt class, I was craving attention i believe, I wrote on the back of a piece of paper that was meant for an assignment, of all of the reasons I’m fucked up, the teacher read it and gave it to the principal, they had a psychologist evaluate me, the duration of the evaluation i just looked at the security cameras and ignored his questions.
But then when 8th grade or 9th grade came along… it was like a switch, most of the kids at my school knew me as the class clown, but I just didn’t want to talk, I didn’t groom myself for school, I didn’t care. Oddly enough, with me becoming overly quiet, I was able to get better grades, for a while. I have an emotionless face, i even notice it. When i was in 9th grade i even had a kid walk up to me ask me if I was Schizophrenic, i said no, and walked away and just surveyed the room.
Later on that grade I actually was assigned psychology class. Then i found out the symptoms of Schizophrenia, and the one that stood out to me was: emotionless face, social isolation, and delusions. Now I try to be a self aware person, i might just have an overactive imagination, but i always feel like someone is watching me, i have specific delusions like: I was terribly tired, so i laid my head face first into the arm of the couch, i swear my math teacher was going to get a hammer and bash me in the back of the head with it, so i sat up and stayed up for the duration of the school day.
I’m completely social isolated, when lunch is in session, i find somewhere else to go. When there is a BBQ I don’t go (unless its with family). I don’t like talking to people, I’m not insecure, I just don’t want to talk to people. I also know that if you have a family member who has Schizophrenia then you have a 1/10 chance to have it yourself, and my uncle has it.
Whenever people take a psychology course it’s common for them to believe they have one of the mental health disorders that they are studying. They read about the symptoms and sometimes think that they can relate. I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, but schizophrenia seems unlikely. Depression and anxiety are more likely possibilities but you would need to consult a mental health professional, in person, to know if a disorder is present.
What’s most concerning is the “switch” you have described. Something changed. If I were your counselor, I would want to know more about this “switch.” What preceded it? Did it coincide with a life change? Is there anything that stands out as being significant that could’ve led to this change? Thinking about these questions might help you understand why you feel the way you do.
Even if you never uncover the origin of the “switch,” it’s important to address your symptoms in counseling. I would encourage you to tell your parents about your concerns. Be honest and forthcoming. Ask for their assistance in finding a counselor.
Too few people realize that the vast majority of mental health problems are treatable. The key to overcoming mental health problems is being willing to ask for help and being open to accepting that help. That’s how positive growth and change occurs. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle