Hello! I would say I’m very normal, and I’m happy to be alive. I am still young so I haven’t had any traumatic experience throughout my life. As soon as I’m alone with my mind I fantasizes about horrible things… It started when I was young, I always wanted to protect others, and fantasized about helping others to comfort myself. As I grew older, the discomfort of the people I would help grew larger. Nowadays, I think about people getting tortured and assaulted in every way you can imagine in order to get this better feeling of comforting someone in need. Even though I wouldn’t hurt innocent, I still think about those things at least 20 times a day. I feel so numb with my feelings, I can sympathize with others, but I don’t know how to empathize! I could easily kill people, and if I had the opportunity in an unrealistic world I certainly would. I’m smart though, so of course I never would. I feel like these feelings will grow away as I age…but it feels nice to finally write these feelings down. I don’t think you know how much I actually would like to do to others, and how it makes me smile at nights. It scares me, because I could never hurt my family or good friends, that makes me feel disgusted. Then I thought, a normal person would feel disgust for hurting anyone. So, am I normal?
Many people have fantasies that they would never engage in. You have an imaginative fantasy life, but you’re able to determine right from wrong. Even though you have these thoughts, you believe that you would never act on them. That’s important.
There are some people who have these types of fantasies and would be willing to carry them out, if given the opportunity. They would have no qualms about hurting or killing someone. They wouldn’t care who they hurt and would feel no remorse about their behavior. Thankfully that’s not the case for you.
You intuitively believe that these thoughts will decrease as you mature and you are likely correct. Even so, if they continue to cause you distress, they should be addressed in counseling. It could help to reduce or eliminate these distressing thoughts.
Counseling should not be thought of as a last resort. When you are concerned or in distress, turn to counseling for relief. If your tooth hurts, see a dentist. You don’t need to wait until you are in agony and your face has swollen to twice its normal size. When you are in emotional pain, of any kind, you don’t need to wait until you are suicidal to seek help. Something bothering you? Enter counseling for relief.
I hope I’ve helped, if only in a small way. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle