My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and every aspect of our relationship, other than our sex life, is everything that I ever could have hoped for. He is a terrific man and I love him more than anything, which is why this “issue” is putting such a stressful weight on me. Our first month of two of intercourse was wonderful, until one day I experienced and excruciating pain. This pain did get better, but never fully went away which caused us to have sex less and less often. I have been to over 20 doctors’ appointments, and until about 3 weeks ago, I had no answer as to what was causing the pain. It was found that I had a major laceration inside the vagina, obviously causing the extreme pain. We have abstained from intercourse for 3 weeks and my doctor has given us the go ahead with intercourse. When I told me bf the news, I thought he would be thrilled, but instead he showed no interest at all. This issue has made me feel like less and less of a woman and my confidence level are shot. My bf tells me that he has lost sexual attraction towards me and that he has “learned to bond with me in ways other than sex.” I am thankful that he has done this, but I still feel terrible that I can’t get any sexual response out of him. He tells me to be more direct and I feel that I am, but it’s not good enough. He never initiates with me and now if and when we do have intercourse, I feel like he’s doing it out of pity. When I try to talk to him, he makes me out to be the bad guy and nothing gets accomplished. I love him, but I don’t know how to fix this.
Your boyfriend may be having a variety of feelings and reactions to your condition, including feeling responsible for it, worried that it could happen again, feelings of rejection, or concern that he may cause you pain again. Of course these are speculations on my part, but whatever the reason it seems prudent to find a couples therapist or sex therapist in your area. (Our find help tab at the top of the page can help you locate someone in your area.) I would do this sooner rather than later so that the issue can be understood and corrected.
Wishing you patience and peace,