There must be something wrong with me. I don’t hate my life, in fact I have a fantastic life, and I may be the luckiest person I know. But everything I am, I want to change. As soon as I say something, I can’t stop thinking about how stupid it sounded to everyone. I think about my past, and the actions I have done, and I nearly go into a panic attack about how much people must hate me. As soon as I am not focused on school, everything I’ve said or done (especially when I was inebriated) runs through my head and I can’t stop feeling as though everything I do is wrong. No one likes me, or ever will, and I can never do right because of all the mistakes I have made. I want so badly to do right by everyone, I put all my energy into it. I want everyone I love to be happy and I do everything I can to make it so. I realize that people are who they are, and I accept everyone for what they are. Yet I can’t accept myself. No matter what I do I can’t let me just be me, because I so strongly feel that what I am what everyone else is going to hate. I need help, I feel like if I feel this way about me another day I’m going to crumble. I want to disappear so I never have to be judged again. I am not suicidal, however. Please help me. It burdens every aspect of all of my days.
What a burden this must be to cope with! But I certainly admire the fact that you are looking to change and that you have reached out to us here.
Although I rarely make such a direct recommendation I feel compelled to do so in this case. Your mind, for whatever reason, is trying to protect you from things that you don’t need protection from. Everything I know about that process is that anything we can do to get your frontal lobes to take a little break should be helpful. The thing I am going to recommend is MBSR mindfulness-based stress reduction. If that isn’t available in your area, yoga and meditation class will be a help.
Meditation does many things that are helpful and have been verified through research. But the main thing is that it will help you gain a sense of control.
Wishing you patience and peace,