I am posing this question here before actually seeking help because I don’t know if this is real or if I want it to be real or if I have deluded myself.
I find myself having mood swings between a person that cares for others but chooses to lie or cheat if it seems like I could gain and have little to loose …or sometimes just because I wonder if they will believe me.
Other times I’m filled with an obsession with blood and a complete disregard for my safety or that of others… I’ve developed a habit of cutting myself just to see the blood …often I’d collect the blood with an obsorbant material and even photograph it. When staring at the blood I feel manic (exited happy powerful big …) I even start laughing uncontrollably sometimes.
When I’m normal I accept this behavior and I don’t feel like it’s unnecessary or strange (even though I know it). I do not have a need to do this in my normal state …but I don’t mind it.
I big difference in the crazier personality is I have a loss of empathy and any form of caring at all …I might go so far as to hurt others if Myself is not good enough anymore.
I have been plagued with thoughts of suicide my entire life and have decided not to actually do it until I can get away from those who love me show as to minimize the pain on them…(moving to another country and slowly losing touch is the plan)
But I’m not sad, it’s just an abstract desire to die (kinda don’t get it)
I believe your symptoms are real and I do not believe that you have deluded yourself. Your symptoms might be indicative of bipolar disorder. That would explain the instability in mood and behavior. The best way to determine a diagnosis would be to undergo a mental health evaluation.
You have engaged in self-harm and have seriously considered ending your life. Self-harm and suicidal ideation are always concerning and indicative of someone who is suffering. It’s abnormal to harm yourself or to want to end your life. These thoughts never cross the minds of happy people.
It’s good that you seem to be open to seeking help. I would highly recommend it. Mental health professionals are trained to deal with the very problems with which you are struggling. There’s no reason to wait any longer to receive help. Counseling and medication could reduce or possibly even eliminate your symptoms and help you live a better, happier life. I hope you will consider seeking help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle