Tag:

PTSD

What Happens When Therapy Isn’t An Option?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

I have been in therapy since I was seven. Starting with bipolar, anxiety, insomnia and now including borderline pd, avoidant pd, and PTSD. I work very hard to provide myself with an environment that is healthy and from the outside I live the ideal life.

Unfortunately, I continue to live with a lot of demons and anger that I literally can’t express without screaming, crying, and cursing. I work excruciatingly hard to keep it inside of me because I am so afraid of what will happen when people find out what a monster I am.

My question begins here. I had been with one therapist for eight years without me ever being able to touch the topic seriously. One day, I completely lost it on them. I let everything out. I was my absolute worst, but in reality no one had ever witnessed a truer me. They told me though that that was the last time we would ever speak. I then tried to kill myself. This happened this year.

I can’t believe that even someone I was paying to help me couldn’t handle my monster. The consequence has been my hatred for psychologists, psychiatrists, and basically anything associated. I know its kind of ironic that I’m asking for your advice but I thought it would be easier because you can’t see my face. I don’t know what to do. What does an extremely troubled girl do when everyone becomes the enemy? I want to note that I have been drifting from therapist from therapist in search of a “fit” and it only makes me sadder and angrier. I’m in between a bullet and a target and that bullet is looking very good.

You may be misinterpreting what happened in the therapy session. As you stated, you were in counseling for eight years but were not sincere with your therapist. Perhaps, when you “lost it,” the therapist realized that you had been withholding important personal information and no longer believed that he or she could help you. It’s not uncommon for a therapist to refer his or her patients to other mental health professionals when they feel as though they can no longer be of assistance. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not defending the therapist. I’m suggesting that you may have misinterpreted the event. It is a realistic possibility.

It’s understandable that you would lose confidence in your therapist but your opinion about one mental health professional should not extend to all mental health professionals. Therapists do not limit their patient clientele. Most therapists are willing to work with virtually anyone, no matter what the nature of their problems. Therapists work with sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc.

You need to recognize the fact that everyone is not the enemy. Therapists have chosen to enter a helping profession. Someone who is willing and sincere in their efforts to help you is by definition your friend and not your enemy.

It is not acceptable to believe that suicide is a solution to your problems. It is instead a sign of depression. Viewed from a purely logical perspective, the consideration of suicide doesn’t make sense. Your perception of the situation is that you have tried therapy for many years and it has not been effective. You are in essence saying “why bother? I’ve tried it and nothing works” but your perception of the situation is inaccurate. The reality is that you withheld your true self, your deeper problems, your real issues from your therapist. That’s OK, because it does take some people a long time to trust a therapist with their deepest thoughts, the most vulnerable parts of their being. You can’t blame the therapy process for the fact that you withheld parts of you, important parts, from the therapist. Don’t blame yourself either. Blame the nature of your psychological problem. In actuality, I believe you had a breakthrough when you “completely lost it on them.” I have had similar moments, sessions, with my own clients. It was an important part of their therapy and the pathway to their healing.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider therapy. By your own admission you were not sincere with the therapist. It is very difficult to effectively help a client when he or she withholds information. I understand that you may be weary of therapists but this is not necessarily a bad thing. One should be choosy about his or her therapist. You should only work with a therapist who is competent and who has a successful track record of helping individuals with similar problems. Not just any therapist will do; it has to be the right therapist.

Please understand that suicide is never the answer. If you’re considering suicide you should go to the emergency room immediately or call 911. You should also have your possession the phone number to the national suicide hotline: 800-237-8255. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 18, 2020 0 comment

General Therapy Trauma

Trust the therapist, but won’t open up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18, 2020

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ok… good job, educated, single parent of a special needs kiddo. Got good stable help from my family; grandma lives with us now. Yeah, so I had it rough with the ex years ago; left him the day our kiddo was born, haven’t been back. He had some anger issues, wasn’t so nice to me, violent, blah, blah, blah… Court was long, drawn out for divorce, custody, assault cases that lasted years. Been wayyyy too busy with life to deal with it all. I’m a first responder in public safety; working and volunteering (though disasters like Hurricane Katrina) kept me moving forward for years. When I promoted up to desk duty, that’s when I started to realize for my kiddo’s sake I needed to get healthy — everyone who knew me thought with my chronic jumpiness, sarcastic humor about disturbing personal/professional incidents, that I was a walking mental time bomb. (Heck, I’m the one that facilitates the department CISM groups for crying out loud!)

Anyways, found a great therapist; love her to death. Finally started to trust her too after two years of avoiding her questions, smiling, laughing though old ‘war stories’, and she’s been really great about guiding me towards seeing stress in my life in a difference light. Yeah, got trust issues — I have probably 1,000 great acquaintances, but no friends… not looking for any either. They just cause more stress.

A few weeks back therapist mentioned that she sees me as having many layers that are hard to get down to. I took it as a badge of honor thinking I do a good job in keeping ‘the real me’ concealed. If you don’t open up, you can’t get hurt, right? I didn’t stop to think until I got out to the car that her comment probably was not meant as a compliment.

She’s diagnosed me as PTSD (which I wanna think is a load of crap; I hate labels). But the thing is, I know she’s right. And I can’t open up about it. In therapy sessions, she asks me what’s wrong and I totally clam up; changing the subject, dodging and deflecting her questions, laughing off any attempt to get to the root of any issues. I’m scared (although, if I ever said that out loud, I’d melt into a puddle on the floor… I’m supposed to be strong dang it!)

I know she ‘knows’ (I’m sure she’s not an idiot and knows how to google someone; my life back then was on public display during my ex’s trials), but how do I tell her about all the physical trauma with my ex? How do I start the conversation? “Gee, ya’ know he beat the crap outta me years ago, stuck his army rifle up inside me, tormented me mentally for six years until I just about cracked, and I can’t seem to get it outta my mind lately” — yeah right, that would never come out of my mouth. Ever. And do I even need to talk about it? Will talking about the incidents take away my ghosts? Is verbalizing the magic cure all?

When I open my mouth to try to say something, I can’t. A joke comes out, a comment about the weather, I freeze up. I’m tired of hiding the panic attacks, the bad dreams, hypervigilence. Dang it, my kiddo is starting to notice. I am afraid I’m going to snap like everyone thinks, and I don’t know how to tell the therapist. She might be the world’s best therapist, but I know she’s only as good as the playdoh she’s got to work with here.

So, two questions: why is it helpful to talk about old traumas, and how can I start a conversation with my therapist that I think after two years I’m finally going looney tunes? Thank you. (sorry for all the TMI details)

No apologies necessary. You’ve been through a horrific time. It makes sense to me that you have issues with trust as well as concerns about recalling and talking about things you’d like to leave far behind. The problem is that the strategy you’re using isn’t working for you. You’ve been locking things down rather than working them through.

I don’t have a scientific answer to your question as to why talking helps. I do know from years of experience that the “talking cure” does seem to reduce the impact of trauma over people’s lives. By talking over a tregedy or trauma with a trusted and sympathetic person, we get the situation out of the shadows of shame and provide a safe place for anger and grief and eventually for more inner peace. I have every reason to believe that you will find it helpful.

You’ve done a great job laying the foundation for the work you now need to do. You’ve built a good relationship with your therapist that is based in trust. As you correctly point out, she can only work with what you give her. I think you’re more ready than maybe you think you are. By writing this letter, you’ve told me and yourself exactly what you need to tell your therspist. All you need to do is give her a copy of the letter at the beginning of your next session and ask her to use the information very, very slowly since you’re feeling quite anxious. Now gather your courage and bring your letter to her. Trust that the two of you will figure out what to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 18, 2020 0 comment

Borderline Schizophrenia Trauma

BPD, Schizophrenia or PTSD?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have had issues with getting diagnosed. My psychiatrist whom I’ve had for 5 years says Schizophrenia. I have had multiple hospitalizations, and they have said BPD, PTSD and one even said Bipolar. Testing said “CPTSD with psychotic delusions”. My therapist of 2 yrs insists BPD, because of self injury and multiple hospitalizations. Here’s the deal, I have maintained long term relationships. I maintained the same job for over 20 yrs. I never confront or argue, never break rules, am always on time. I score 3 off the BPD checklist…suicidal thoughts/self injury, emptiness and disassociation. I have a history of trauma as a child, but I never relive the trauma, dream about it, or even think of it much. Since my freshman yr. of college I have experienced voices from satellites that command me to do things (like cutting), am scared all the time, blurt out weird things that I can’t control, see shadow people. I know some of these things can be caused by the PTSD, I don’t think I am violent enough to be schizophrenic but it’s in my family and it’s the only one on the dsm iv that I score high on.

So what do you think? Am I getting pigeonholed into BPD and PTSD just because I have a trauma history and self injury? Can schizophrenia cause self injury and suicidal thinking?

Unfortunately, I cannot give you a diagnosis over the Internet. I would need to conduct a full and thorough evaluation as well as know more about your psychiatric history to be able to offer a reliable diagnosis. I will attempt to answer your questions based on the information that you have provided.

You mentioned BPD and bipolar disorder. I am not certain if these two are being used interchangeably (i.e. BPD= bipolar disorder) or if you are using the acronym BPD to mean borderline personality disorder. For purposes of my answer, I will assume that BPD refers to borderline personality disorder.

The mental health professionals who have offered you a diagnosis may be having difficulty because many of your symptoms, including trauma history, self-injury and suicidal thinking, are characteristic of multiple disorders such as borderline personality disorder, PTSD, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. This may be why you are receiving different diagnoses from multiple mental health professionals. It is not uncommon to receive different diagnoses from different mental health professionals. Unfortunately, psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science. I can understand your frustration.

As you mentioned, you only have some of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. If this is true, then the conclusion would be that you have some of the traits of BPD but not enough to warrant the diagnosis.

One constant symptom that you have is command hallucinations. The voices are telling you to harm yourself. If it is the voices that are telling you to harm yourself then this would be a different type of self-injury than typically associated with borderline personality disorder. What is the difference? The motivation or the reason for the self-injury. In your case, it seems as if you are engaging in self-injury because you hear voices that are telling you to harm yourself. An individual with borderline personality disorder may engage in self-injury because he or she might believe that they “deserve” to suffer. The purpose in the latter instance is self-punishment. It does not seem as if you are deliberately harming yourself. The motivation or the reason for your self-harm is apparently not within your control. You seem to be engaging in self-injury because you are being “commanded” to and not because you are punishing yourself.

Command hallucinations are associated with psychotic disorders, specifically schizophrenia. It is not a symptom of borderline personality disorder. Individuals with borderline personality disorder can experience psychosis but it is rare and generally brief in duration. If you are engaging in self-harm because the voices are telling you to do so, this would not be a symptom of borderline personality disorder or PTSD. It would more likely be a symptom of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

To answer your specific question, symptoms of schizophrenia can lead one to engage in self-injury and to have suicidal thoughts. Individuals with schizophrenia may experience voices that “command” them to harm themselves. This is one example of how schizophrenia symptoms may lead to self-injury and suicidal thoughts.

I also want to clarify one aspect of your letter related to schizophrenia. You said “I don’t think I am violent enough to be schizophrenic.” Please understand that violence is not a symptom of schizophrenia. Unfortunately, there is an ongoing misconception that individuals with schizophrenia are violent. There are a small number of individuals with schizophrenia who are violent and it is these cases that tend to make media headlines. The facts are quite different from what is portrayed in the media. Individuals with schizophrenia are much more likely to be victims of violence rather than perpetrators of violence.

I suspect the diagnosis of schizophrenia may be the most accurate among those that you have presented but again, without extensive interviewing, it is too difficult for me to be certain.

I hope that my response answers your questions. Should you need clarification or have further questions please do not hesitate to write again. I wish you well. Please take care.

August 18, 2020 0 comment

Anxiety Therapy Trauma

Dealing With Fear, Anxiety, and PTSD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD after being pressured to undergo and abortion at 20 weeks gestation by my now ex husband. He threatened to take away my two other children, or kill me, and repeatedly drove me to abortion clinics. They have you speak to a counselor prior to undergoing the procedure, I would say no, and he would just drive me to another abortion clinic the next week. Finally I underwent the procedure, I was overcome by his constant threats. A few days later, as I was recovering from the procedure, I was overcome by guilt and grief for my baby, and I attempted suicide. After a few days in the pscych ward, my then husbands signed me out, telling them I would be in his care. I didn’t undergo any therapy at the time, I was sort of just speechless, could not verbally deal with what happened at all. Instead, a doctor put me on what I think was Celexa, which I remained on for about a year before weaning myself off of it. I never received additional treatment or therapy after leaving the hospital.

Years have passed, and 4 lawyers later I am finally divorced. I have managed to hold myself together enough to progress in my career, finish school, and by my first home for myself and my two children. However, since my divorce was finalized a couple of years after the incident, I have not been unable to maintain a dating relationship with anyone for more than a couple of months, and now I haven’t even had a date in over a year. Lately, I have been isolating myself from friends and family. I don’t feel like going out or socializing. Even socializing at work is painful for me. I feel awkward and ugly and just disconnected. It seems to be getting worse lately. I’m also increasingly jumpy and fearful, at any loud or sudden noise or movement. I can’ even watch a clip from a scary movie, and recently watched a cartoon movie with my kids and kept getting startled! I don’t want to be a fraidy cat or a socially inept, and alone forever. I really would like to date people, but I’m just too shy to talk to anyone that shows interest. I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother. I know it’s going back quite a few years, but I keep thinking I should talk to someone about the whole issue that caused the PTSD, but at the same time, I don’t want to dig up old wounds,I cried just writing this. But my question is, how do I pick up and move forward, and fix all these horrible personality quirks I’ve developed?

Counseling could be very beneficial for you. I understand that much of your past is difficult to speak about. Ironically, that is precisely why counseling would be good for you.

You experienced trauma in your past relationship. It makes sense that you are now having trouble with the prospect of new and future relationships. You may also be experiencing depression symptoms. Your desire to isolate may be a sign of depression. The fact that you feel “awkward, ugly and disconnected” may be another sign. Feeling disconnected could also be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The fact that you are easily startled may also be indicative of PTSD.

In your letter, you provided a logical rationale for why you should attend treatment. “I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother.” Children see their parents as role models. They often learn how to behave based on how they see their parents behave. If a parent has depression, their children may be more likely to experience it at some point in their lives compared to children whose parents do not have the disorder. If you would like to read more about depression and its effect on children, please click here.

Counseling may be difficult but it is the right course of action. You’ve experienced significant trauma in your life. These experiences need to be dealt with for the purpose of improving the quality of your life and increasing your chances of a healthy relationship in the future. It is the right thing to do. It is also the responsible choice and it can help you immensely.

Lastly, one very important quality to note is your resiliency. Despite an unhappy and abusive marriage, you managed to continue your career, finish your education and purchase a home for your family. Those are major life accomplishments. You’ve done very well despite a difficult history. Now you are faced with another challenge in your life. This time, you may need assistance and support and that is why I am recommending therapy. Here is a link to Psychology Today. It may be able to help you locate a therapist in your community. Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

August 18, 2020 0 comment

General Trauma

What Do I Have?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s probably wise to start with my child hood traumatic events since they most likely are the reason for my problems. I grew up the disappointing son of a Harvard divinity graduate mother and MIT entrepeneur-award-winning graduate father (who by the way, I could never fullfill the expectations of) and became the firstborn son of an extremely overprotective family. I grew up taking the brunt of many things: the heavy expectations to succeed, my fathers verbal and physical abuse (I remember only bits and pieces of just a small percentage), the troublesome spot as the family scapegoat, and the extreme overprotective handholding that kept me from leaving the house almost entirely until i was around 15. That all started to loosen up around then, but while my younger brothers got that slack, i was sent to an array of residential treatment centers. The reasons for getting sent away were vague and/or exaggerated accounts of radical behavior, but none the less i spent two and a half years as a private funded resident of two level 14 lockdowns, a group home, and a wilderness program, before finally graduating high school. In that time, my small amount of anxiety related problems have grown to an array of a lot of obsessive thoughts, panic and anxiety attacks, severe detatchment/derealization/depersonalization (I currently have not felt an emotion other than an occasional anxiousness for 3 weeks straight), agitation when the topic of my past treatment or other psychological aspects of my past comes up, and other symptoms like insomnia, headaches, weakness, tremors, dizzyness and more. I have been on lithium for 8 years and concerta and risperadol for around a few months and i doubt any of them are helping. I can already reasonably diagnose myself with panic disorder/agoraphobia but I am still in question about whether I fit into a diagnosis like acute stress disorder or PTSD. I have previously been diagnosed with depression, manic depression, agitated-manic bipolar, ADHD, aspergers, and probably a few more, but i am sure all of that has to do with the confusion in my own mind conveyed wrong to the therapists, and I hope to define a clear diagnosis once and for all. Thank you for listening to my painful speech, please help me piece together this puzzle.

It is difficult to give you a diagnosis. It is possible that you have PTSD. PTSD generally occurs after a trauma. Your negative experiences with mental health facilities have caused you great distress and may explain some of your symptoms.

In addition to PTSD you may also have a general anxiety disorder. Again it is difficult for me to know with certainty what your diagnosis is. The best way to know your specific diagnosis is to have a complete psychiatric evaluation. Even then it may be difficult to gain a specific diagnosis, at least in part because you are taking multiple medications. Medication, for some individuals, blunts their emotions and sometimes makes it difficult for them to feel. Medication may also explain why you feel a sense of detachment/derealization/depersonalization.

It must have been difficult for you to have experienced what you have. You may not have any specific diagnoses. You may simply be reacting to your difficult life experiences. You began your letter by describing yourself as the scapegoat in your family. You believe that you have disappointed your parents. I get the sense that you “never felt good enough.” The negative feelings you have about yourself most likely contribute to your everyday suffering. Therapy could assist you in sorting out your feelings as well as to help you examine the truth about your place in the family. You may feel as though you failed your parents but that may not be the case. Just because we feel that something is true does not mean that it is. The way you feel about yourself and your place in the family is something that should be examined objectively.

You’ve been sent to various facilities by your family. Maybe the problem isn’t you per se. Maybe it’s the family who needs to learn a new style of interaction. Family therapy may be helpful with this.

If you’re willing you should also consider individual therapy, in addition to family therapy. You may have had individual therapy in the past and it may or may not have been helpful. Even if you have had prior individual counseling I still believe it could help you now, especially if you had a very good therapist.

I’m sorry that I cannot offer you any definitive answers. It is always difficult to give a diagnosis over the Internet. I hope you’re able to find help so you can finally put together the “missing pieces” of your life’s puzzle. Don’t give up. Here is a link to a website you can review and find local therapists. Thank you for writing.

August 18, 2020 0 comment

General

Panic attack relating to a dream

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18, 2020

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was 4 my brother and a neighbor attempted to have sex with me. My brother also performed oral sex on me. After this event, which was seen by several neighborhood kids, I was shamed by my brother for years. At the same time he touched me on several occasions in an inappropriate way. In one recurring thing, he would rub his foot up my leg, slowly going higher and higher. I was also touched by at least one other child in the neighborhood. I further worry because I have memories as a child that suddenly become foggy (as in I suddenly literally see fog). I am attempting to come to terms with all of this and generally do not think about it often. However, I have noticed that when I begin a new relationship, I often start to revisit this topic.

On a few occasions certain events (such as having a foot rubbed up my leg during sleep) have caused me to feel scared, upset, sensitive to even small noises and worried about my son to the point where I have to go make sure he is safe. This happens approximately once per year or less.

At any rate, I would say that it was something that has been on the fringe of my consciousness lately. Then I was speaking with a teenage girl who accused someone of inappropriately touching her. While many people did not believe her I did and it began to bother me and bring this topic up in my mind. Then one night I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that a coworker was violently shaking me and I was trying to make him stop and I was completely terrified. I woke up when I heard myself crying. That night I woke up crying several more times. The next day I felt scared and anxious whenever I heard his voice or saw him. Then one night I was in the shower and thinking about the last time I had one of these events. Suddenly I became completely terrified. I instantly began crying and hyperventilating. I had to thrust the shower curtain open in order to make sure that no one else was there. I was trembling because I was breathing so hard. I began to walk out of the bathroom because I was scared. However, once I got to the door I stopped, because I was too scared to walk out; I didn’t know what or who was out there. I knew I was being irrational, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I sat in the bathroom for approximately 10-15. My fingers and toes went tingly because I was breathing so hard. After 15 minutes I was able to convince myself to leave the bathroom and talk to a friend. After an hour and half I was calm enough to go to bed, but with the lights on. I heard the sound of my cats footsteps on the carpet and tile and every creak the apartment made.

The next day I hoped that I would be better, but instead I was still scared. I could hear every tiny sound. The sight of the coworker I had dreamed about made me even more scared this time. I felt the need to watch my back and stand up against walls. These feelings slowly began to subside, but I am still scared to shower at night. This is by far the worst episode I have ever had.
Since then I have began having strange dreams. For example, I dreamed that I was being chased by men who were trying to break down my door.

I am able to function, but I just have been sensitive to sounds, and way more easily scared. Also, I am worrying that the panic attack or whatever it was will happen again. I suppose I really just want to know if this will subside like it has before, or if it will continue? What should I do? Normally, I feel like my mental health is good enough, but right now I am struggling.

I can’t make a definitive diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But what you are describing is consistent with the “flashbacks” often seen in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You have managed to put the events of your childhood aside for many, many years. I don’t blame you for being mystified about why it comes up now. One theory about such situations is that you are adult enough and strong enough now to deal with your feelings instead of pushing them under. I know that may sound ironic but there’s often some truth to it. I suspect you identified with the teenager who wasn’t being believed and that opened the door to your own unresolved feelings about having been similarly abused. It’s as if the unconscious mind decided, “OK, she has the resources to manage now so it’s time to allow the full extent of her feelings to come up to the surface.”

I suggest that you find a therapist who is experienced with childhood trauma and PTSD. Share with the therapist what you have said here and see what he or she thinks. If I’m right, please do focus on the positive. There is well documented treatment for PTSD. And you are telling yourself that you can handle it. Both things give you reason to be optimistic that treatment will help you resolve the trauma and deal with your fears.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 18, 2020 0 comment

General

Was What My Mom Did My Fault?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

The problem started with my mom using psychiatric hospitals to punish me. If I did something that upset her like fighting with my brother, talking back, suspended from school, ect. She would call the psychiatric hospital and tell them I was suicidal and was going to kill myself. Of course that wasn’t true. She wanted to punish me but didn’t want to take the time to do it herself. So she would have me put in the hospital instead. She did it several times over the course of my childhood (10-18).

The problem from it was I was abused in the hospital (spinal injury from being held down, locked in the solitary room from 7pm-8am) not because I was acting out, but because this particular staff member was the kind that liked to show they were in charge. Stuff I told my mom about but she would tell me I was lying to get out.

Had additional problems in school with bullies and me getting blamed for starting fights and being locked in the schools solitary room for hours on end (special education school).

Then she took me to the hospital again to have me admitted, but they didn’t think I was suicidal this time around and wouldn’t take me. Next thing I know she’s trying to get me put in a group home, that didn’t work out either. So then she takes me to child services and tells them I am hitting her and my brother and they are afraid for their lives. I never hit her once, and brothers being brothers, yea we fought. Child services was about to take me up until they told my mom it would be $600 a month she would have to pay to them for child support for my care. Then all the sudden I wasn’t hitting her and my brother anymore, the story changed. She ended up taking me home.

She never took the time to hear my side of the story from the schools, and never tried to sit down and figure out how to deal with the bullies at school. Basically in short, she never was on my side.

Anyhow, long story short I developed PTSD from the hospital visits. And lost the connection with her I once had before all this stuff. I confronted her about 2 years ago about the hospital visits she lied to get me put into or the spinal injury that resulted from a visit, the lying to get me put in a group home and not believing me about the abuse at school, and the bullies. She told me she didn’t feel guilty at all, and that if I was a better child it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I broke off contact with her about 14 months ago.

Basically I was wondering what you thought about the situation. Do you feel she was right for doing/saying what she did? Was she right and it was my fault that what happened, happened? Thanks.

-Stanley

Dear Stanley, I do not know all of the facts nor do I know her version of the events but based on what you wrote, what your mother did to you was wrong and I would consider it a form of child abuse. However, I’d like to add in one caveat. I have worked with individuals who were severely mentally ill but were unable to recognize it. They would experience psychosis to the point where they’d engage in bizarre, uncontrollable or dangerous behavior. They’d subsequently have to be committed to a hospital against their will by their families. If asked, these individuals would adamantly deny that they had a psychotic episode and they’d express anger at their family members for putting them in the hospital. It’s almost as if they had no memory of the psychotic event or were oblivious to the fact that it had happened. From their perspective, they were fine one minute and the next they were forced in a hospital for “no reason.” I am not saying that this was what happened to you. That is probably not what you experienced. What I am saying is that though it’s unlikely in your situation it has been the case for other individuals.

Based on your version of events, it seems that instead of trying to find ways to discipline you your mother found it easier to commit you to a hospital. I am not clear if she was doing this as a form of punishment or if she was unable to punish you herself and out of desperation took you to a hospital. I am also curious about whether your mother only did this to you. How did she treat your brother? How did she discipline him?

You asked if what happened to you was your fault. I respond to that question with a resounding no. Even if you were misbehaving and out of desperation your mom had you committed to a hospital it’s not your fault. You were a child and she is an adult. Children need love, guidance, attention, discipline, and much more. If she needed help with parenting or discipline then she could have sought outside assistance or counseling for you, herself or the family. There are other ways to handle a misbehaving child (you may not have even been misbehaving) that does not involve having the child involuntarily committed or placed in a group home. There may be reasons to explain her behavior but there are no valid excuses for it. What she did to you was wrong and unfortunately you suffered greatly for it. You’re left with the burden of physical and emotional scars.

It may be for the better that you and she are not in contact. You did not say why the split occurred but perhaps the space will give you a chance to heal. Don’t let the past dictate your future. What happened to you was unfortunate but as an adult you now have the power to positively affect the direction of your life. I hope you are able recover from you physical and psychological wounds and live a happy and productive life. I wish you luck and thank you for writing.

August 18, 2020 0 comment

Medication related questions

No Meds for 4 days…and counting

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I have not taken my medications for four days. I want to know if I should be having negative impacts from not taking the medication yet, if not when should I expect to see any of that? I am on Abilify 10mg, Prozac 20mg, and Adderall 30mg. My diagnosis that I recall off of the top of my head are PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anorexic Tendency/Behavior, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Major Depression. (at least this is most of what was listed on my last psych evaluation in 2004.)

At my last psych appointment my Doctor advised me to have the pharmacy call her in regards to any refills that I needed aside from the one that she wrote for the Adderral. When it came time to get my medication last week I was and still am quite reluctant to do so. I have a tendancy to avoid things for no good reason, other than the interaction and possible negative outcomes that I foresee.

For these reasons I am reluctant to call the pharmacy, I have dialed the number to the pharmacy, only to hang up while on hold. I think I feel like I will be bothering them, or maybe they will tell me that I need to have the paper prescription in order for them to fill them. I thought about calling the Psychiatrist and asking her to write them out for me, but I know she is busy. I guess another thing to mention that I have a strong feeling I will be judged for getting my prescriptions filled late now by my doctor as well as the pharmacy technicians. I am also feeling reluctant to see my Doctor later this month because I did not fill them on time.

On a good I am actually feeling really good surprisingly. Aside from the fact that I have not been sleeping much, I have gotten a lot accomplished. I don’t want to go to bed. I think that I am really enjoying the peace of my four children in bed to get things done and have some “me” time. I have been doing projects with my kids, took them on a leaf hunt today for my daughters homework assignment. I called about 3 friends today, though only one of them actually answered and could only talk for a short time. ( I guess that is what I get for avoiding there calls so many days) I am not completely isolating from people outside my home since I actually took some time to attempt to talk to some people on the phone. I packed up all four kids in the car and ventured out to get a coffee this am and even gave my seven year old money and let her pick out muffins for all four of them. We Sang songs on the way home.

I don’t feel depressed at all as of yet, only a little overwhelmed with everything i need to do, which is actually somewhat normal and a little down on myself for the medication issue. The only adverse effect I am having so far is that I start to do something and I get too deep into the project and then end up doing 5 other projects or ideas but never complete any of them, which I am guessing is symptoms of the inattentive ADHD? For instance… I sat at my computer to print a worksheet for my daughter to practice her penmanship, then I started to sort digital pictures I have on my computer when I could not find the worksheet to print out because I was frustrated at how disorganized my files were. This was at about 7:00 pm, since then I never did get to printing the worksheet, I have signed up for a blog site, downloaded a time management tool. Wrote a poem, started to look for a picture to go with the poem, started to completely revamp the poem for the picture that I picked to go with it. I looked up what kind of projects I could do with the dremel tool that I have gathering dust, and of course somehow wound up here in the process of doing those things. It is 2:08 am to give you an idea on the time frame that this took place.

Part of me really wants to just quit taking the medication all together. Wouldn’t I be feeling worse by now if I needed to be on the medication still? How long would the adverse effects of not taking the medication take to arise in my moods? Are some medications more important than others to be taking?

You are suffering from the “I feel better and I do not see why I need these medications anymore” syndrome. What this means, from what I can tell from your letter, is that you have made a conscious choice not to take your medications. This is probably because you are feeling good and think “if I am feeling so good then why are these medications necessary?” The problem with this thinking is that it is very likely that in the near future you will not be feeling so well and your symptoms (the symptoms that caused you to begin the medications) may return. You may also have adverse effects from the abrupt discontinuation of your medications. To know for sure what these adverse effects will be, I strongly advise that you to contact your prescribing doctor.

I can understand not wanting to take the medications anymore. Many people have unpleasant side effects and medications do have a tendency to alter a person’s personality. But please know that there are healthy ways to discontinue taking medications and there are unhealthy ways. It is not in your best interest to stop taking your medication on your own. This practice is very unhealthy and potentially unsafe. If you want to discontinue your medication regimen, then I strongly suggest that you contact your doctor or make an appointment to discuss the proper way to titrate safely off of the medications. You also should consider calling or making an appointment with your doctor to tell him or her that it has been four days since you last took the medications and you want advice on what to expect with regard to adverse effects.

I am sorry that I could not be more specific with regard to telling you what negative effects to be on the watch for in the next few days or weeks but that is because your medication-specific questions are most appropriate for your doctor. I know that you do not want to “tell on yourself” for stopping the medications but it is better to get the advice of a trained medical doctor who knows your case well than to just “wait and see” what happens to you. Take care.

August 18, 2020 0 comment