I don’t know what it is, but I am certain that I need help: I really don’t know how to begin this or to just tell it all, so please bear with me. I am a 15-year-old girl, and, because I really don’t want to be identified or recognized, you can call me “M” if you wish. i’m sorry.
I don’t remember a time when I thought I was normal. There is something wrong with me.
I think it all started in second grade of elementary school when the bullying began. I don’t really remember much of my past, but the bullying never stopped until I moved to another country. I don’t think I’m getting bullied anymore, but I still feel like everyone is trying to make my life difficult, and that it could eventually become bullying again. But that’s not the main issue.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time, and they’re getting worse. I don’t want to die, and yet I do. I hate myself: my body, my ‘personality’. I feel like no one loves me, except maybe my parents. Even then, I feel like a burden to everyone and even then. I often feel empty. I scream, laugh and smile a lot at school with who are probably fake friends, but most of the time it’s just me putting on a show or trying to force myself to feel joy. I don’t know how I feel anymore. Yet, at the same time, I feel emotions intensely but then realize I’m just… numb.
Though I used to cry myself to sleep every night, I don’t do it as often anymore. It still happens very often (ALMOST every night. Big improvement, huh? *Sarcasm*). I can’t even sob aloud and let it out because I live with my parents and sleep in the same room as my sister, so I just have this horrible knot in my throat constantly. Whenever I cry like that is when I at least feel something the most.
There is so much more wrong with me. I took various of the tests and quizzes in this website. I’m worried because I scored positive in a lot of them, and if not, likely.
I can’t even tell my parents about my problems because, in the school I was bullied in, the counselours blamed it all on me! Even in my current school, I’m afraid they’ll tell my parents and/or blame me for being how I am.
Please, help me. Thank you so much.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I understand that you feel as though you have no options, but that is not true. I would encourage you to speak to your parents and the school counselors. Understandably you are reluctant, but you should do it anyway. There are many things that are difficult but must be done anyway. This is one of those times.
You might start by showing them this letter and response. It may help them to know that you’re serious about wanting help. You’ve nicely articulated your fears and it could help them to understand why you are reluctant to speak to them about these issues.
It’s normal to be frightened about the unknown but you must be brave and take a chance. Counseling is the ideal solution to this problem. Once you reveal the truth, your parents and the school counselors can then assist you in seeking the proper treatment. You will feel a great deal of relief once you begin treatment. It is what is necessary in the situation.
You were bullied at your school and are suffering as a result. It’s difficult to have been bullied and to feel as though you have no support. However, these feelings are likely temporary and will soon pass. You will not always feel this way. Beginning treatment will assist you in overcoming these issues. I hope you do the right thing and ask for help. Call emergency services if you can’t protect yourself. Thank you for your question and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle