I am severely depressed & have been for some time. I also have several physical issues that cause me pain & distress. Because of both religious beliefs & societal pressures, I believe I am not able to take my own life.
That being said, I am absolutely miserable here. Because of who & what I am, I will never belong in this society, nor do I want to. I do have a desire to be accepted, yes, but I view this world system & humanity as a whole a depraved & corrupt. I do find some of this depravity & corruption within myself as well, which sickens me. While I am not a fan of humanity, I can be very compassionate toward the individual person, struggling with the human condition, as I do.
I constantly wish I was dead, so that I could just move out of this system, but my diseases are not bad enough to kill me, just bad enough to ensure that I have very few reasons to smile. I feel trapped here in this world. I want out, but I fear if I kill myself, I will end up in a literal place called hell. In addition, there are individual people I love & I am concerned with their pain that may result from such an action. Thus, I will not act to end my life, even though it is the one thing that might bring me some relief from this pain.
It seems the logical thing to do is to just stay here & work as hard as I can to make my stay here as pleasent as possiible. The trouble with that is, because of the depravity & corruption I do find within, I tend to be self-destructive & do not take care of me well. In fact, when I am forced to look around, I am shocked at how poorly I am living.
So, I have a choice between being here, where I am miserable, or leaving, where I may be more miserable & where my loved ones may be hurt worse. I want a diferent option. There MUST be another choice available. Yes this world is this evil to only allow these two cruel options, but God is not evil, so there must be a third option I am not seeing.
I am already in counseling & seeing a psychiatrist as well.
Likewise, I am spending all leisure time outside of work, reading figuring it couldn’t hurt. Somedays, ideally I think I would just like to spend two reads constantly reading in order to increase my iq and build a strong general foundation of knowledge. Even though, I have always achieved very good academic success, I feel like I’ve had blinders on for so many years in regards to my career path until I started thinking on a more universal level a few years ago.
I understand that all important answers are found inside, and I have spent countless hours introspecting but still feel lost. Thanks.
You believe in your religion. Your religion tells you that suicide is evil. According to your religion suicide is the ultimate evil that will put you in hell. You accept this but you fail to see the good in life that is also reflected in religion. You should look at religion in a broader way instead of focusing on one particular faith. From a larger perspective, life is a mystery. God can test you. You can’t reject God because he is testing you in this life. Your path in this world is difficult to understand but in order to understand it you have to remain in the process. For you to consider an act to end this process is simply wrong. It’s as though you are saying that you know better than God. God has given you this life and it is up to you to accept his wisdom. God is an infinite mystery. You believe in God and you need to accept the idea that God is extremely complex, perhaps beyond human understanding. You know that God represents good and that he has put you here for a reason and has given you the ultimate gift of life. You cannot reject that gift. That would be like rejecting God.
You should read all that you can but be careful not to form opinions and conclusions until perhaps much, much later in your life. Do your best to be the best that you can be and to do God’s will and accept God’s gift while you are here. The Viktor Frankl book Man’s Search for Meaning can show you how to see all the good in life. Dr. Frankl saw the good in life despite being surrounded by death and evil. That horrific experience allowed for the creation of logotherapy. Logotherapy focuses on the idea that life is difficult, suffering is unavoidable but great meaning can be found in suffering. I think you would find the book very beneficial.
Please take care. I wish you well.