Tag:

Trust Issues

Trust the therapist, but won’t open up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18, 2020

Ok… good job, educated, single parent of a special needs kiddo. Got good stable help from my family; grandma lives with us now. Yeah, so I had it rough with the ex years ago; left him the day our kiddo was born, haven’t been back. He had some anger issues, wasn’t so nice to me, violent, blah, blah, blah… Court was long, drawn out for divorce, custody, assault cases that lasted years. Been wayyyy too busy with life to deal with it all. I’m a first responder in public safety; working and volunteering (though disasters like Hurricane Katrina) kept me moving forward for years. When I promoted up to desk duty, that’s when I started to realize for my kiddo’s sake I needed to get healthy — everyone who knew me thought with my chronic jumpiness, sarcastic humor about disturbing personal/professional incidents, that I was a walking mental time bomb. (Heck, I’m the one that facilitates the department CISM groups for crying out loud!)

Anyways, found a great therapist; love her to death. Finally started to trust her too after two years of avoiding her questions, smiling, laughing though old ‘war stories’, and she’s been really great about guiding me towards seeing stress in my life in a difference light. Yeah, got trust issues — I have probably 1,000 great acquaintances, but no friends… not looking for any either. They just cause more stress.

A few weeks back therapist mentioned that she sees me as having many layers that are hard to get down to. I took it as a badge of honor thinking I do a good job in keeping ‘the real me’ concealed. If you don’t open up, you can’t get hurt, right? I didn’t stop to think until I got out to the car that her comment probably was not meant as a compliment.

She’s diagnosed me as PTSD (which I wanna think is a load of crap; I hate labels). But the thing is, I know she’s right. And I can’t open up about it. In therapy sessions, she asks me what’s wrong and I totally clam up; changing the subject, dodging and deflecting her questions, laughing off any attempt to get to the root of any issues. I’m scared (although, if I ever said that out loud, I’d melt into a puddle on the floor… I’m supposed to be strong dang it!)

I know she ‘knows’ (I’m sure she’s not an idiot and knows how to google someone; my life back then was on public display during my ex’s trials), but how do I tell her about all the physical trauma with my ex? How do I start the conversation? “Gee, ya’ know he beat the crap outta me years ago, stuck his army rifle up inside me, tormented me mentally for six years until I just about cracked, and I can’t seem to get it outta my mind lately” — yeah right, that would never come out of my mouth. Ever. And do I even need to talk about it? Will talking about the incidents take away my ghosts? Is verbalizing the magic cure all?

When I open my mouth to try to say something, I can’t. A joke comes out, a comment about the weather, I freeze up. I’m tired of hiding the panic attacks, the bad dreams, hypervigilence. Dang it, my kiddo is starting to notice. I am afraid I’m going to snap like everyone thinks, and I don’t know how to tell the therapist. She might be the world’s best therapist, but I know she’s only as good as the playdoh she’s got to work with here.

So, two questions: why is it helpful to talk about old traumas, and how can I start a conversation with my therapist that I think after two years I’m finally going looney tunes? Thank you. (sorry for all the TMI details)

No apologies necessary. You’ve been through a horrific time. It makes sense to me that you have issues with trust as well as concerns about recalling and talking about things you’d like to leave far behind. The problem is that the strategy you’re using isn’t working for you. You’ve been locking things down rather than working them through.

I don’t have a scientific answer to your question as to why talking helps. I do know from years of experience that the “talking cure” does seem to reduce the impact of trauma over people’s lives. By talking over a tregedy or trauma with a trusted and sympathetic person, we get the situation out of the shadows of shame and provide a safe place for anger and grief and eventually for more inner peace. I have every reason to believe that you will find it helpful.

You’ve done a great job laying the foundation for the work you now need to do. You’ve built a good relationship with your therapist that is based in trust. As you correctly point out, she can only work with what you give her. I think you’re more ready than maybe you think you are. By writing this letter, you’ve told me and yourself exactly what you need to tell your therspist. All you need to do is give her a copy of the letter at the beginning of your next session and ask her to use the information very, very slowly since you’re feeling quite anxious. Now gather your courage and bring your letter to her. Trust that the two of you will figure out what to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 18, 2020 0 comment

Abuse Anxiety Depression General Grief & Loss Psychology Relationships Therapy

Boyfriend has lied once, maybe twice, three times at most

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 18, 2020

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for six months. We are exclusive with one another. We live 150 miles away from each other and see each other for about one weekend a month. We talk on the telephone almost every day. Two months into the relationship, he lied to me about going to an event (who he went with, supposedly ‘a friend that is a girl’). He told me it was his sister he went with. I found out a few weeks later by accident and accepted this because the relationship was new and he has independence issues. Everything seemed to be going well until this past weekend. He called and said he had to go to a work event, but didn’t want to. He texted me from there. He texted me a couple hours later to say he was home. I asked him to call me before bedtime to say good night. He did at 1 am, but I heard him shut his car door as we were on the phone and his house alarm go off when he opened another door. I did not confront; I was just normal and said good night. He has been distant ever since. He has been busy with work this week I know, but I don’t feel right somehow. I try to believe the best scenario, but I keep going back to the bad scenario since this time is so similar (what he said, how he acted) to the prior lying episode. Do I ask him outright? Am I being untrustful? I do have trust issues related to a 14-year marriage in which there was no trust. I just don’t know what to do, but I feel very upset inside.

You must take what you learned in your 14-year relationship and put it to use. The lesson from your marriage is to deal with things sooner rather than later. The chances are good that you have chosen someone who is better than your ex, but who will also challenge you with the same issue of being untrustworthy. Regardless of what he may or may not be doing, your emotional wellbeing is at stake if you do not speak up. You are not whole if you are biting your tongue. Suspicion and mistrust are likely to dominate your thoughts as you try to move forward in the relationship. The nagging sense that you can’t trust him will linger. In other words, you would be lying to yourself about how you really feel.

Use facts and be direct with him about what you are experiencing. Rather than being accusatory, speak about what is not okay for you. It would be a description of your experience communicated for the purpose of you having a voice and informing him of your reactions. He may get angry, he may be surprised, he may be glad you spoke up. Whatever he does there are two things that are very important for you both: you need to say it, and he needs to hear it.

“I” statements, talking about your feelings and reactions, work best. You are the world’s best expert on your feelings and the work here is on finding the courage to express them. What you could say might sound something like this:

I had a very uncomfortable reaction the other night when we spoke because you texted me to say that you were home, but then later called and I could hear that you were getting out of your car and going into your home. It makes me feel like I can’t trust you to be honest with me. I have already had to confront you about not telling the truth and this causes me concern about being lied to and our future.

As strange as it might sound, this isn’t about trying to change his behavior. That may or may not happen. What it is about is learning from your marriage that you have to be clear about what isn’t okay and what you are willing to accept. If you don’t say something about your concerns it gives him tacit approval to treat you in a way you find disrespectful. Not calling him on it gives him permission to continue.

My experience has been that similar issues will emerge in relationships after a breakup, particularly after a long-term relationship. If you note the problem early and express it directly there is a much better chance the other person gets the memo on what is and isn’t acceptable. I would rather see you lose a 6-month relationship than sign up for another 14 years with the same issue at the core.

If you do end the relationship you will be more prepared for the next. The man you want to be with is someone who doesn’t make you feel betrayed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

August 18, 2020 0 comment

Relationships

Trust Issues With Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 18, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Me and my boyfriend have been going out nearly 2 years,but in between there has been 3 breakups, most are because of trust. my boyfriend seems to LOVE me to pieces but at the same time wants hes hands on other girls not to cheat but to flirt leading to cheating, because of these issuses i have become very possecive and clingey and talking to my family they just say “dump him he clearly doesnt love you as much as you think if he flirts to other girls” but they dont understand how much i love him and couldnt dump him for flirting as hes a boy! but lately since we have just started going out again for 2 month now he has texted more girls than ever saying innapropriate things, the thing that hurts me is he PROMISES he wont do it again and he does but lately im starting to belive him abit more, but he still texts girls but wont let me see hes phone, also lately he wants to go out in bigger cites with out me as hes 18 and im 17, i cant hold him back but i really dont have ANY trust in him at all, he has told me he has 100% trust in me but i have about 20%, i told him before he goes out he needs to show me i can trust him, but i dont know how to do that cause if he went out n did cheat i wouldnt know. after 2 months of constant paranoia and possesiveness im always upset and dont belive anything he says and start to push him away after a argument because i think of the things he has said to a girl, i know after all this i should just break up but he is my other half and i NEVER want to loose him i want to solve our problems and be together forever. how can he show me he is faithful and be belive me, i know he needs space and i cant take away hes freedom to be a boy but im crushed and when hes not with me (baring in mind we live 60 miles apart and i see him every other day) i feel alone and always want to see where he is and i shouldnt. please help.

The basis of any good relationship is trust. If you don’t have trust then you don’t have a solid relationship. I understand that you do not want to lose this relationship but consider that your partner has lied to you in the past and may be lying again.

At this time he is not being fully honest with you. He refuses to show you his phone to prove that he is not texting other girls. He may not be texting other girls but he’s unwilling to prove it by showing you his phone. How do you continue a relationship when you can’t trust your partner? Trust has to be earned. He has given you no reason to believe that he has stopped cheating, especially in light of his current suspicious texting behavior.

When someone shows you their “true colors” then you must see them for who they are. People can change but it’s not clear that your boyfriend has or is willing to. If you continue to ignore his behavior and act as though he won’t cheat again (when he might be), then you risk getting hurt. You may be engaging in denial. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism that protects oneself from uncomfortable facts.

I understand this may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but it’s unhealthy for you to ignore the truth. It’s also important to analyze why you may be willing to tolerate his problematic behavior. It’s virtually impossible to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust. If I were your therapist I would be trying to understand why you may be willing tolerate this behavior from your partner. One explanation is low self-esteem. Another explanation may be that you’re not sure what a healthy and trusting relationship is like.

If you are having difficulty letting go of this relationship or understanding why it might be unhealthy, then you should consider therapy. I cannot say, based on a short letter, whether this is an unhealthy relationship for you. I suspect that it is. If you are in a relationship with someone who constantly lies and whom you cannot trust, then generally speaking it is not advisable for you to stay.

Lastly, I would suggest discussing these issues with a therapist. He or she can help you analyze the situation and advise you about how best to proceed. You may not need therapy for very long, perhaps only a few sessions. You may also want to read self-help books about healthy relationships and how to build self-esteem. If you’d like to find a therapist please click on this link that will take you to a directory of local mental health professionals. Thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck.

August 18, 2020 0 comment