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terrible time getting over my ex

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My last boyfriend and I had been together off and on for about 7 months. It doesn’t sound like long, but it was a very intense 7 months. After only 2 weeks he said I Love You, and we soon began living together, and we would talk frequently of getting married. We were always very close, and I (still) love him more than anything in the world. The main source of our problems is communication. He would get upset and shut me out, I would get upset because he wasn’t talking, and then he would get even more upset because I was “over reacting.”

We have been stuck in a cycle for months now; we will be together, and everything will be perfect, and then out of no where he will decide that he wants to see someone else (usually because this “someone else” is already in the picture). It will be this way for about 2 weeks or so, then I will get that call or text (or sometimes face to face apology) telling me how sorry he is and that he really does want to me with me and work things out. I take him back because I love him and having him with me is more important to me than fighting about it, so we get back together, and the cycle beings all over again. THis most recent time, about a week ago, things got to be the worst they ever have been, and he told me that he is moving on for good and doesn’t even want me to be apart of his life anymore. He wants to end all communication, no phone calls, no texts, no facebook, nothing. The problem is, he has said these things, these “I’m moving on” statements, many times before. How do I know that this time is any different from all the other ones?

I really don’t want to destroy my relationship with him, or make it worse by continuing these useless attempts, but not being able to talk to him is killing me. He won’t answer my text messages, he has even stopped talking to some of our mutual friends. The thought of him with someone else brings me to tears, and so does the idea of being without him completely. I have tried to give him the time he needs to come back, but he says that that is not happening this time, and I just need to forget about him. I want to believe that he really has moved on, but its very hard to believe that when so many times before he hasn’t, and it is equally difficult to come to terms with it.

I wish I could be as “over this” as he seems to be, but no matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about him. He is on my mind every second of everyday, and I want him back very badly but it doesn’t seem as though that is an option. I can’t sleep or eat, and these feelings are beginning to find their way into other things, such as my job, school work, and personal life. Everytime I am with friends, all I want to do is talk about him, or for someone else to bring him up so that I can hear about what he’s been up to. I hate this, I feel like I am not even myself anymore, and I can feel even my closest of friends getting annoyed with me for taking so long to move beyond our many break-ups. I don’t WANT it to be this way, I just truly can’t help it. I am stuck.

A; I’m sorry you’re hurting. A broken heart is one of the hardest things to heal. But – please do understand that this guy has done you an enormous favor. He isn’t at all mature enough to accept the love and loyalty you offer. He probably feels bad about it. He probably wishes it weren’t so. That’s why he comes back into the picture. But he tells you very loudly with his actions that he isn’t someone to make a marriage and a future with.

At this point, your problem is with yourself, not with him. Please ask yourself what would be different in your thinking and feelings if you let go of this guy completely. The answer will tell you what you are afraid of. Maybe you can get unstuck by yourself. If you can’t, it’s time to see a counselor for some help. It’s time for you to get on with your life and to find a guy who can return the quality of love that you give.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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