From the U.S.: FROM AGE 4 I WAS SEXUALLY EMOTIONALLY AND PHYCIALY ABUSED INCUILDING BEING GANG RAPED AS A CHILD. IS IT POSABLE TO GO FROM UNABLE TO BEING TOUCHED TO UM, OKAY FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, BUT UM WANT THAT IN MY SEX LIFE?, IE THE WANTING TO BE HURT UM RAPED PUTTING MYSELF AT RISK SEEMS TO BE MY THING LATELY AND IT MAKES NO SENCE TO ME AT ALL.
I HAVEN’T HAD THE COURAGE TO ASK MY THRYPEST. WHO, IS HOMOPHOBIC IN A BIG BIG WAY MYSELF PREFERRING WOMAN., WHEN SEX IS BROUGHT UP SHE GETS ALMOST AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS ME I HAD A CRUSH ON HER LONG BEFORE SHE WAS EVERY, MY DOCTOR AND IT DISAPARIED LONG BEFORE SHE EVER BECAME MY DOCTOR BUT UM READ SOMETHING SHE WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEEN.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It’s ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT, NOT HER. BEING RAPED FORCIBLY. ITS THE ONLY WAY TO UM WELL TO, IS TO THINK OF IT, THEN I GET SICK TO MY STOMACK, CRY AND CUT OR BURN GET ANGRY AND VERY DEPRESSED. THIS CAN’T BE RIGHT CAN IT?
It’s not right — but it’s not unusual. Children who are sexually abused often end up thinking about sex in only two ways: Either I’m a victim and out of control. — or I can be in control by being a victimizer. Neither feels good so the person goes back and forth and back and forth between the two positions. A child doesn’t have the sophistication to think about a third option — the option of being comfortable and equal in a sexual relationship.
If you are correct that your therapist is homophobic and uncomfortable talking about sex, then you need to change therapists. From what you wrote, it sounds like your therapist is as uneasy about sex as you are and you don’t trust her. That isn’t helpful. You need someone who is at ease talking about sexuality and intimacy and who can talk frankly and specifically about that third option.
If it is possible that you are misreading your therapist, you owe it to both of you to at least try to talk about it. If the conversation goes well, it could be an important step in your healing. If it doesn’t go well, at least you tried. Then you should find yourself an LGBT therapist who specializes in sexual trauma.
I wish you well.