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Thoughts of suicide

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I can’t think. My brain feels all foggy and I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus or stay interested, I often have no desire to do anything at all and will sit still and space out for hours at a time. Its having an extremely negative effect on my studies. I used to cut when I would start to feel this way, but I’m trying very hard to stop doing that, I’m doing well so far, but I’m miserable. when I would cut I did it to get my head out of the fog, other times I did it because I deserved to be punished and other times I did it because I like the way my blood looks. Without cutting I’m not sure how to go about pulling my brain back down from the clouds. Without cutting I don’t know how to make the world feel real. I have suicidal thoughts. If I were to die there would be no more pain, no more embarrassment no more emptiness, no more hopelessness. Everything could simply be nothing. I even have it all planed out, just in case I work up the nerve to do it.
I feel empty, like everything I feel is very far away from me. Nothing feels real. I feel like I’m watching my life through a television screen. The only emotions I feel strongly through my brain fog are negative ones like anger, loneliness, panic, and sadness. Any emotion like happiness or excitement are short lived or feel distant.
I sleep a lot, I have no energy and get tired very quickly. I feel completely alone, and I’m afraid I’m going to be that way forever. I get very lonely but I just can’t seem to relate to anyone. I just can’t make a connection. It’s like me and the people around me aren’t even the same species. Sometimes I feel like everyone is better than me, prettier and smarter, other times I feel like everyone is disgusting and worthless. I go through spells where I cannot stand to be touched and being touched makes me feel angry and panicky, like I’m doing something horribly wrong and someone’s about to catch me red-handed . because of that feeling I have had problems staying in a relationship, any sort of sexual activity terrifies me and makes me feel like I’m doing something terrible, makes me feel guilty and embarrassed. I get embarrassed very easily and sometimes for something as simple as being seen in public(I hate everything about the way I look)
On occasion I become very frightened. When I become frightened it isn’t for a good reason. I become scared of nothing in particular. I just get scared all of the sudden and shortly after my imagination gets crazy and I think of all kinds of silly things that freak me out further, completely illogical things, like the dark or zombies. I get very jumpy, the smallest noises or movements almost bring me to tears. I start to think I’m seeing things in the shadows or out of the corner of my eye. The other night I was too scared to close my eyes and sleep because I could have sworn one of the shadows in my room was being cast by someone other than me, even though I was the only person in the room. During these bouts of irrational fear I become paranoid that there is someone behind me. I know there is no one there, but I always look anyway, I even go so far as to put my back to a wall so that I can be sure there is no one there.
Also I have a problem with over eating, the only reason I’m chubby instead of obese is because I often purge after consuming a great deal. I eat when I’m not hungry and continue to eat long after I’m full. I don’t do it to make myself feel better or anything like that. The more I eat the worse and more disgusting I feel, but no mater my repulsion at my appearance and actions I never seem to have the self control to stop myself.

That’s quite a list of troubles! No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I don’t think I have to tell you that you need some professional help at this point. You’ve done your best to figure out how to stop cutting and how to stop the irrational thoughts. Although you’ve had some success, you still feel terrible. If you could work through these issues on your own to the point where you felt okay, you would have done it. It’s time to get support for the side of you that wants to get better. Please take the next step and get involved in some regular therapy with a caring therapist.

I did an Internet search of your city’s mental health services. You are lucky to live in a place where there are a lot of agencies that can be helpful. If you’re too shy or too frightened to do that, you could start by talking to the counselors at the Boys Town Hotline (they talk to girls too) at (800) 448-1833 or at the National Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. Both hotlines have counselors available 24/7 to talk to people about anything that is troubling them.

I realize that your problems at times feel to you like they are insurmountable. Please grab on to the little piece of optimism that motivated you to write. You can build from there.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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