I’m trying to piece together enough information to identify my childhood abuser and am searching through my memories looking for anything that could be a clue. Here are two memories that I am struggling to find reasoning behind:
I am very young and we are eating Taco Bell in the living room. I am sitting on the floor, my uncle and grandmother on the loveseat and sofa respectively. No one’s talking, the tv is on. I excuse myself to the restroom and am already thinking of a way ‘to get back at’ my grandmother? I do not know why. I decided on dumping all of her perfume down the drain.
Around the same time, there is another girl my age (do not even remember who she is) with me and we are upstairs in my grandmother’s house. No one is around us and we are laying on our stomach’s giggling about this scheme that I came up with ‘to get back at’ my uncle. Again, I do not know why. I had a bowel movement in an empty baby wipes container, laughing with my friend the whole time, and then hid it in his bedroom closet?
I don’t know why I did these things, I had never done these things before or after to anyone else. I have tried to research reasons children seek revenge, and I do not think it goes that far. (From the USA)
There is too little information to know exactly what is behind these memories. It may be that they keep getting replayed because they were so unusual, they may be fragments of a larger memory, or they could be islands of memory where other information around it was suppressed or repressed.
The fact that they are persistent is important. I will encourage you to use the Find Help tab at the top of the page to find a therapist in your area that you can go to to sort this out. If you believe these memories are connected to your abuse, then interview therapists who have experience in childhood trauma to find someone you feel comfortable with.
Wishing you patience and peace,