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Uncertain about Love and Marriage

by hrcounts

It has been around 1.5 years since we were in relationship. The decision was the result of his persistent efforts to help me at working every situation (we were in the same college and office too). Though he is not good at looks, a silent type of guy(unlike me), I considered him for hope for his improved life because of me,his nice family(As he told) and his nature. In the beginning, things were awesome, we used to roam across the city, visit temples, and be happy wherever we would go. But since 2-3 months, I began to feel, things have turned dull, because after knowing each other, we have nothing to discuss, sometimes, he doesn’t say a single work for minutes on phone. And when I complain, he says that silence speaks more than words, and he is happy with me. But this dullness and boredom made me depressed many times, specially the fact that he is suffering from many illnesses like dryness, obesity, very poor eyesight which I thought he would be enthusiastic to cure for me,but he didn’t try to make the things normal for me either. I was even worried to find his hair slowly falling out.All the day, I would keep worrying about all these problems, which would give me butterflies. Once I even felt bad when I found him giving more importance to his friends and telling me that it’s because I keep complaining to him about everything, he feels alone, and then he looks for friends. this made me feel even worse specially when he doesn’t call me when he is with them. Finally, time came when I told my parents about him. I called him home. My parents accepted him only for me, but also complained about his too silent nature, because sometimes, you need to speak.

I met his parents, and that’s when I got broken. His mother was talking sweet, but she kept pointing at absurd things about my looks (though I’m much more beautiful than her son, and I have a govt job, a better family status and a bigger house). His father and he were completely silent, which was very uncomfortable. This gives me a gut-feeling that his parents might be greedy and can demand for dowry at later stage too (though for now, they have said they have no demands). Should I still marry him or go for an arrange marriage? (age 26, from India)

Unfortunately I cannot answer this question for you, only you can decide who to marry. It is obvious that you have a lot of reservations about the relationship and it seems that you basically talked yourself into giving him a chance (or gave in to his pressure). That’s not a great way to start a romance. It is also clear that you are very critical of him and list more faults than attributes. If this is how you see him, it is unlikely to change with time. However, you also say that your feelings only shifted a few months ago, out of a year and a half relationship, so maybe giving it more time is warranted to see if you are just in a bad phase.

Your culture is very different than ours in America, so the reasons one chooses to marry are different. If you were here, I would have you evaluate not only your love and physical attraction for the person but also compatibility, friendship, trust, goals for the future, values, and desire to have children. I would suggest that you think about these concepts and then talk to your family and friends who understand your culture — but, ultimately, listen to your heart.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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